The Last Name Game

"Why should I be wasting my time with someone I don't like just because they have the same last name as me?" "No other animal keeps a relationship with its parents after its been raised. It's not natural."

Those are the two quotations that stuck out to me the most. But really I resonate with the whole of both of these quotations. Both of these men said the same things using two different arguments and I couldn't agree more with both of them. 

You see, my parents are unreasonable human beings and sometimes…sometimes I forget that, sometimes I forget that my parents are the kind of people who should not be allowed to raise children. But don't worry, they never fail to remind me.

"But…you have a car! And a big house! You have a hot tub, and a walk in closet. You have the phone you want, the clothes you want, the laptop you want, you get to go wherever you want, you have the perfect life!" Do you know how many times and from how many people I've heard this? Okay, yes, I'll give my parents credit for being very financially capable of looking after children. That's the one thing they have going for them. And you know what? Money DOES buy happiness. Because those are the times when I forget that my parents are awful people, when they buy me things. And for a while…I almost like them, because who wouldn't like someone that just bought them an iPhone 5s? So even though money can buy happiness, it's temporary happiness. Because as much as I love my phone, and as happy as my phone makes me, I still hate my parents, they still make me very upset. 

They like to bring me down. It's their absolute favourite thing to do. To criticize me, to laugh at my hopes and dreams and goals. And even though I shouldn't even care about their opinions, because I know they are horrible excuses for parents, it still hurts. It hurts to have someone literally laugh in your face and sarcastically say "oh sure you can."

I think the thing that bothers me most about my parents is that they think I'm awful. They thing I'm a bad kid or something. Which is completely and utterly ridiculous. I've had a 90% average or higher for my entire school career. I'm involved in so many extracurricular activities and I volunteer at multiple places. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't date, and I don't party. They literally could not have asked for a better child. And it infuriates me so much that they have this idea that I could be so much better. I just don't understand what more they want from me.

And for the longest time, I put up with it. I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I didn't date, and I didn't party. But…then it got to me. Because, they think I'm this horrible bad kid who doesn't listen so why shouldn't I be the kid they think I am? Why should I work so hard to be good if they're always going to think I'm bad? And…the answer to that was always my future. If I don't get good grades, if I don't get into a good university, if I don't get a well-paying job then… I can never escape them. Because that's my ultimate goal, to be the opposite of what is now normal and go back to the way animals do it, to do what these two men are saying in these pictures. 

But then I realized that I can do that even if I have a little sip of a cooler at a party with my boyfriend. Maybe I'll pass on the blunt because I still do have standards but hey it's nice to be a little wild and anyways maybe now my parents will think I'm good if they thought I was bad before. 

Congratu-fucking-lations!

Sometimes I just have to sit down and say to myself, what the fuck is wrong with society these days?

So this girl I know had a dream.
Her dream was to go to Thailand and help people.
She was going to achieve that dream next year, she graduates from highschool this year and she was raising money to afford it.
Now instead, she's going to be raising a child.

This girl may sound like a great person from what I've told you about her, but you don't know her. She makes a lot of commitments that she can't live up to, she spends her time partying and drinking.

But that's not important. It doesn't matter what kind of person she is.
What matters is that she is a young girl with a dream.
So why then, why are people saying to her "congratulations!"?

Congratulations for what?
For getting pregnant in high school?
For getting pregnant when you don't have the mental or financial capacity to look after a child?
These people might as well be saying "Congratulations! Your future is over and you can no longer achieve your dream of going to Thailand! Good job!"

Now before you get on my case saying maybe it wasn't her fault, remember that you don't know the backstory, but I do. She is happy about this baby.

I don't understand why.
Why would someone be happy about the fact that an 18 year old girl who had her whole life ahead of her is going to have to give up her dreams to be a mother?
Why is that something to be congratulated on?
It's not.

I will not congratulate you for bringing a human being into this world when you are not capable of giving it the life that it deserves.

Property Of…

So today I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and this one thing stuck out to me.
This girl that I've talked to maybe twice updated her profile picture.
Why is that a big deal? Well, it's not.
But what I saw next is. Her boyfriend had commented on it.
"Property of *her boyfriend's name*".
And that just really infuriated me.

People are not property, you cannot own a person.
And you know what's worse?
He probably meant that in a "loving" way.
This is a perfect example of how women are treated in this society.
We're supposed to belong to somebody else and not only be okay with that, but WANT it.

Laughter

Sometimes I get to thinking about my life and I just laugh. Because I'm so fucking screwed up and broken and no one even has the slightest clue and its kind of funny.

What Would It Take To Get You

It happens eventually. The girl who never gets the guy, finally gets a guy.
Except the way it happened for me, I didn't exactly get him.
Because of course, of course he'd live a little over an hour away.
And of course his last relationship would have been a long distance one that ended with her leaving him for someone else.
So he didn't want to do long distance again, friends with benefits he'd said.
Ask me why I agreed to that.
Yeah, I don't know either.
But hey, it was all going okay.
Until a few days ago, 3 I think.
He mentioned that he'd seen his ex that day.
Then he said "God...I keep forgetting how beautiful she is."
Yeah. Yeah okay. Just because we're not dating, doesn't mean there aren't rules.
What makes you think I'm okay with you saying things like that?
Are you trying to make me feel like a worthless slut?
Because you're doing a damn good job you asshole.
Of course I didn't answer. What the hell would I say to that?
So when he said he was going to sleep and that he would text me tomorrow, I was relieved.
Tomorrow passed, no text.
The day after that, no text.
Today, still no text.
But. But a few minutes ago comes a snapchat, a picture of him, shirtless, his hair spiked up a bit like it was when I told him it looked good with the caption "feeling playful". 
And it makes me wonder how many girls he sent that picture to.
And the fact that I care tells me that I can't do this.
I can't do friends with benefits.
Yeah, I told him I don't do relationships, but you know what else I don't do?
My math homework. So maybe there are some things that I should be doing.
And I don't just mean my math homework, although I really do have to start doing that.
Am I in love with him?
No. I'm not, there was a time when I thought that I could be, in the future, but now...I can only see that ending badly.
It wasn't just that he talked up his ex or just that he said he would text me tomorrow and it's been three days and still no text. It's both of those things.
It's all of the little asshole moves that I've been trying to ignore because finally somebody wants me. Somebody who I'm actually attracted to wants me.
There have been guys in the past, very few mind you, but they didn't say the things he says, they didn't make me feel the way he does.
But then... he goes from making me feel wanted to making me feel like I'm not good enough.
And it's hard for me to let go of him because of the good times.
But the bad times are bad enough that I know this would be the best decision for me. 
I made a promise to my best friend that I wouldn't let this guy get into a place where he could hurt me.
And I'm breaking it, it's nearly broken.
And I've already been broken enough times, I'm already emotionally damaged enough.
I think what did it for me, what made me realize that this isn't what I want is that we had friends down from out west last week. One of them, he's my age, bought a necklace for his girlfriend. He showed me it, and asked my opinion, he wanted to know if I thought she'd like it.
And I thought, wow. I wish there was a guy who cared about me enough to do that. 
And maybe there is. Hell, maybe he's out there right now talking to some girl who doesn't want him enough to date him and he's wishing that someone actually cared about him.
If I don't let go of this guy who I know is bad for me, I'll never find the guy who will go away on vacation and miss me. Because I don't need a necklace, I need love. 

Too Late To Apologize

She wants me to apologize.
To take back what I said because she "knows" I didn't mean it.
She doesn't know why I said it, says she couldn't think of any reasons.
Says someone has to have done something extremely awful to deserve those words.
Says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
She's wrong.
I meant it.
I feel it.
It consumes every fibre of my being and in fact it's the only reason I'm still living.
Payback. Revenge. One day I'll get it.
That was just a trigger, this morning, I wasn't mad about that, I was mad about the past, about everything.

Is driving someone to take a blade to their skin awful enough?
Is driving someone to place a piece of burning metal on their flesh awful enough?
What about driving someone to shove their finger down their throat?
Or maybe, maybe driving someone to write countless notes that start with don't look because by the time you find me I'll be dead awful enough?
And if it's not, is the fact that I have planned out so many different times and ways and places to leave and never come back awful enough? 

She says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
There's one flaw, she doesn't know me. She knows the me I want her to know, the me everybody else knows.
There is only one person who knows the truth, me. 
I'll never tell and she'll never know just how wrong she is.

She wants me to apologize.
Maybe I will, but it won't change, can't change how I really feel.
We're far past the point where we could have fixed this problem.

I said "I hate you" to the man I am forced to call my father, and I have never meant anything so much.

Kill Me Softly

Today I remembered that most people are incapable of keeping promises and they're bound to let you down. I remembered what it felt like to want so badly to just explode, and then have to find another way to get your feelings out. But you see I found that way about four years ago. And every year my secret New Years Resolution is to not go back to that place where I've spent too much time in these past four years. So here's to next year, because this year has already been ruined too many times. 



I think maybe a small part of me knows. Knows that this is an addiction and I'm going to need some serious help to get over it but, no one sees. I've blinded them with smiles and fun and parties and nice clothes. They used to be suspicious, four years ago, because of the way I looked and acted back then, but what they don't know is that is still who I am, she's just hiding behind layer upon layer of fake and she only comes out when I'm alone.
And she's dangerous, mostly just to me but who knows how far she'd be willing to go.
Slowly but surely she's coming back, she's taking over my life again.
She's killing me softly. 

Sweet Sixteen

Was it weird that it happened today? 
My day started and ended with him. It was the first time, and I think that I don't want it to be the last.
Maybe before I wasn't sure what this was, these feelings, but then I saw him standing outside my classroom as I rushed to the bus and I couldn't help but wish he was standing out there waiting for me.
Him.
It would be easier for me if he wasn't everything I said I'd wanted, easier still if he was with someone else.
But he's not. And the fact that I have a chance, no matter how small, continues to drive me insane.
And then I find out things like maybe there was this girl he liked before he was taken, and maybe he thought she liked him too and maybe now that he's not taken he still likes her, and maybe she was me. And the only real maybe is the last one because how am I to know? 
There are so many possibilities, so many girls it could have been and how am I to know that it was me?
Because maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'm going to get my heart broken all over again.
But maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'll have to suffer a million heartbreaks before I find someone willing to pick me up of the ground and put the pieces back together again.
Maybe it will be him, and maybe it won't.
But I can't help wonder, was it weird that it happened today?

Dazed & Confused

And when my laptop battery hits the red zone, 20%, for what feels like the 100th time just this week I'm thinking hey didn't I just charge it? But then again maybe I didn't. Because it's midnight even though the last time I looked at the clock it was 10:30. Because one more story about love and lust and a perfect relationship like I'll never have turned into 20 more. Because that homework I was going to do never got done and even though I promised myself that tonight things would be different they weren't. I'm hopeless. I'm just a mess. And tomorrow will be another day. Just another day of waking up late because I didn't get any sleep and rushing to get ready and not eating breakfast because I didn't have time and forgetting whatever it was I needed to remember and then trying not to fall asleep in class as my stomach growls because I haven't eaten since supper time last night then running around at lunch talking to teachers because despite my inability to do homework at home I care about my grades and then doing that homework I didn't do last night when I was supposed to then taking the bus home even though I hate the bus because I can't drive yet and even if I could I don't have a car and then staying as long as supper but going out after that and not coming home until it's as late as possible because I don't want to be around my family any longer than I have to be and then coming home and sleeping until lunchtime because it's finally the weekend. It's just a circle, a continuos cycle, and I'm just dazed and confused. 

What Would You Do?

I will not apologize if I am not sorry.
What's the point?
If I did it, chances are I'm not sorry for doing it, unless it was an accident.
I reacted the way one should when one's sisters are trying to kill each other.
Sister #2 was attacking Sister #1 and I said, "MOTHER, COME DOWNSTAIRS THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER!" I said it loudly and I said it twice, but Mother did not come.
While they are both younger than me, I am the smallest of us three, even so, I decided it was my duty to defend Sister #1. I said to Sister #2 "Don't make me come over there, you know I can hurt you."
She continued to attack Sister #1 and I was forced to pull them apart, Sister #2, being the youngest ran crying to Mother and now Sister #1 and I are in trouble. 
What would you have done in this situation?
Was I wrong for stepping in?

it DOES get better

Do you ever feel alone?
Do you ever feel lost?
Do you ever feel sad?
Do you ever feel sad, lost, & alone?

I know I do sometimes. But today, someone (AdorianDeck) pointed out that, without all the bad things that happen to us and make us feel sad, lost, and alone, we wouldn't be who we are today.
I'm proud of who I am. It may have taken me awhile to get here but I did.
And I agree with Mr. Deck on this one. 
I've had my fair share of bullies and bad things happening to me, but without them, I wouldn't be the person that I am so proud to be. 
So I just wanted to say, to anybody who's listening, it DOES get better.
And the bad things that happen to you in life can make you into a better person if you let them.
As Adorian said, I may not know you personally, but I know that you are a unique human being and you are beautiful just the way you are and I love you. 
If anyone out there is feeling sad, lost, & alone and you see this, just know I'm here for you.
And if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me anytime. <3

Another Sad Song

I did it today. It's been one month and twenty days since the last text he sent me.
I deleted them. ALL OF THEM. They started in July of 2011, because that's when I got this phone, and I've never deleted a single one until now. (And if you count my old phone, they started in 2010) 
It was just important for me, I have to let go of him. It took me awhile but I finally did it.
Now I just need to delete his number...
I cried. I read through some of our old texts and I cried, because I miss him, a lot.
But I'm going to delete his number right now.
Because whatever we had is over, and it's over for good.
There.
It's gone.
His texts are gone, his number is gone, he's gone.
A part of me thinks it was love, at one point.
But logic tells me I'm too young to even know what love is.
What I do know is that I still miss him.
Every time I see him around school (which isn't very often) I want to scream in his face "I FUCKING MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!" But I don't.
I...I can't even say anything anymore.
I'm just... I thought we'd...I don't even.
UGH.

Highschool

The hallways of highschool are filled with people you used to know.
When you think about it, isn't that a little depressing?
You're constantly having to look at people and think "She was my best friend." "I dated him." "We got into a fight and never talk anymore." "She ditched me for a cooler group of people. "We just kind of drifted apart." "We were friends for 7 years and we haven't talked since junior high." and so on, you get my point.
And yeah, there are a whole bunch of people that you don't know, it almost feels like there's more people that you do know, and maybe there is.
Highschool is hard, I'll tell you that, it's the last place I want to be but I don't really have a choice.
You'll spend three or four years of your life there, and then leave and never look back.

Fuck highschool, I can't wait until I graduate.

You May Say I'm A Dreamer But I'm Not The Only One

Let's have a moment of silence for Mr. John Lennon folks.
He would have been 72 years old today. I first heard of John 
Lennon 5 years ago when I was introduced to a wonderful band called the Beatles. (and by introduced, I mean introduced to their music, obviously not the actual members.) You all know I'm only 15, so yes this means I was 10 when I first started loving the Beatles. Let it Be was the first song I really got into, and then after a few years I was hooked. Imagine was the first song I heard by John Lennon. And to this day, Let it Be is still my favourite Beatles song and Imagine is still my favourite John Lennon song. Now, most people don't know this about me but John Lennon shows up everywhere in my everyday life. Obviously, he's in the name of my blog url johnlennonforlife.blogspot.ca, he's also in my twitter bio "Life is what happens when you're making plans." -JL, https://twitter.com/Starrgiirl, a quote from Imagine is on my tumblr, "You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one." http://starrgiirl97.tumblr.com, I have two different emails that have "johnlennon" in them. And another funfact, random facts about him are the passwords to many of my accounts for different sites. Without even realizing until right now, John Lennon, even though he's not with us today, is a huge part of my, and many other fans lives. There's a quote from a song called Candle in the Wind that would fit in nicely here "Your candle burnt out long before, your legend ever did." So in case you were curious, you now know where the "johnlennonforlife" came from. That's all for now, I'll leave you with some music to remember this idol who will forever hold a place in our hearts. And also check out this website for some of his best quotes http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/08/john-lennons-20-best-quotes_n_1949665.html.

Selfish

You have to be extremely selfish to have kids.
That's what I always thought, and in a way, I still believe it.
Not everybody who has kids is selfish though, you've heard of them, the kids that love their parents more than anything.
And can you blame them?
Their parents are amazing, because yes, good parents do exist.
So, anybody that has kids, and is not a good parent, is selfish.
Why?
Because my parents brought me into this world for their own selfish reasons without my permission just so I could spend the majority of my life hating them and wishing I was never born. 
And I get it okay? I get that we have money, and we have a nice house, and I wear nice clothes, and we go on vacations, and we have food to eat, I get that there are people out there that have it worse.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not suffering too.
And I'm tired of being told that I have no right to feel sorry for myself, that I have no right to hate my life, that I have no right to want to die. 
Until you've lived my life for as long as I have, you have no right to say that.
For as long as I can remember, I've hated my parents, so you can't blame this on teenage hormones. 
We're at the point right now where I'm sure they think they're great at parenting. 
This blows my mind because honestly, the only way for them to be any worse would be to start physically abusing us, which they've come pretty close to many times. Not a day goes by where I don't wish I was out of this house and away from my parents.
I would give up everything, my insanely awesome wardrobe, all my electronics, all the trips we go on, my queen sized bed, EVERYTHING, just to get away from my parents. 
I don't know where they learned their parenting skills from, but it's ruining my life.
One day I'll make them see what they've done to me, I'm broken beyond repair by now, so yeah, I'll never be fixed but I still want them to see just how much damage they've done. 
Nothing can be done about my past, but if I play it right, my parents will not be a part of my future. 

Hotel California

It's been longer than a month of Sunday's since the last time we had any contact with each other.
I can't help thinking this is my fault, even when deep down I know it's not.
We got in little fights all the time, we always made up, it was no big deal.
I guess this time was different.
This time the fight was so stupid I didn't even realize we were fighting until it was two weeks later and you hadn't texted me. 
For a while I was upset, I missed you, I still do.
You were the only person who always knew how to make me feel loved, the only person who cared enough to see through my lies. 
I'd always said I wouldn't be able to live without you, but I'm doing it right now.
So for a while I was upset, but then I realized something.

E V E R Y T H I N G   H A P P E N S   F O R    A   R E A S O N. 

Because in the back of my mind I'd always known we weren't meant to be.
Forever could see us not, you and me. 
We were just too different to ever work out.
And our relationship was too confusing, were we really just friends?
A lot of the time it seemed like we were crossing some sort of line, but neither of us said anything about it.

So even though I miss you, and even though a part of me want's you back in my life, I'm not going to try and fix us.
We were always kind of broken, and now the glass has shattered so badly that even if we do manage to fix it, we'll always know at one point it was broken because it will never be the same. 

So this is it, it's been a long time coming, and we've been running from our always inevitable fate.
But I'm done running.
I'm embracing life without you and I'm moving on.
The fact that you had a huge impact on my life will never change, I'll always remember you.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, even though I'm moving on, even though our friendship is over, even though I'm not going to try and fix this, sometimes I still wonder, do you ever miss me just a little bit? 

*Every relationship ends except for the one that doesn't.*

End Of The Line

It's always worse when you don't see it coming.

Things are great, you're on the phone everyday after school, chatting about the latest gossip. You know each others crushes, you know each others REAL opinions of well, pretty much everyone. She's the one person you feel like you can tell everything to, because you know she won't judge you. You hangout as much as possible, sleepovers, shopping, movies, and just having fun together. She's there for you and she knows you're there for her, even at 3am. She's your best friend forever, and you love her to death.
So obviously it's a shock when one day you're alone, thinking about life, and you realize, you're not best friends anymore. You haven't hung-out in months, the hours you used to spend on the phone have turned into a text or two every once in a while, you barely even talk or see each other anymore except for the occasional "hey" exchanged when you pass each other in the hallways at school. And then you see her with another girl, doing all the things you two used to do together, and it's worse than if your boyfriend had broken up with you and done this with his next girlfriend. Why? Because she wasn't your boyfriend, she was something much more important, your best friend forever. But it seems forever has come to an end. Naturally, you're upset. You don't understand how this happened, how you didn't see it coming. You miss her, and you can't help wonder if she misses you too. You almost wish that you'd gotten into a fight with her, because at least then there would be a reason for why you're not friends anymore. You go on with your life, it's not like you don't have other friends. Then one day you're going through some of your old stuff and you find something from a couple years back that makes you remember her. It's a weird feeling, because you completely forgot about a lot of things that happened to you two, you forgot about a lot of things you did together, but now all the memories of your friendship come rushing back. And you miss her even more than you did when you realized your friendship was over.
This could go 3 ways.
1. You decide to make something happen. You miss your best friend and you want her back. You call her, text her, or maybe just find her at school and talk to her. You tell her you miss her, and you don't have any idea why you're not friends anymore. She feels the same way, you guys start hanging out again. You're back, and it's you two until the end.
2. You do the same things you did in the first way, except she doesn't miss you. She's got better friends, she doesn't need you in her life. You're upset, but you tell yourself that if she doesn't want you, she doesn't deserve you. You move on and eventually you forget about her. Your friendship becomes a little memory stuck somewhere in the back of your mind that only pops up every once in a while.
3. Also known as, how it usually happens. You don't do anything. Why should you have to? Weren't you her best friend too? Shouldn't she be the one to come to you? The flaw in that logic is what if she feels the same way. You both miss each other, but you're waiting for the other to make a move and so no one ever does. Life goes on, you meet new people, make new best friends, but you'll never forget each other. To you, she's always going to hold a special place in your heart and your mind and you'll do the same in hers. Years later you'll both wonder where the other is, how they're doing, and most of all, you'll regret not making an effort to keep your friendship alive.

It's always worse when you don't see it coming.

But know that I think about it, maybe I did see it coming. Maybe I knew all along that we were slowly drifting apart and her now new best friend was coming in between us. Maybe I just didn't want to believe it. That's the problem with living in denial, eventually, the things you tried so hard to convince yourself weren't really happening, happen. 

Looking back on things, I still can't figure out where we went wrong. One day, we were best friends, then a few years later, we weren't. I guess sometimes you just don't realize what's happening until it's over. 
And I could blame. I could blame highschool, I could blame her, I could blame boys, I could blame a whole bunch of people but what's the point? It's not going to bring our friendship back.

So I guess that's it, we're not best friends anymore, this is the end of our line. 

I Don't Wanna Be In Love

Tell me what love is.
If I'm too young to be feeling it then tell me how old I have to be.
And tell me why.
Why do I feel like this?
And if this isn't love then tell me what it is?
And last of all, TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I'm 15. I want to have fun and try new things and just be crazy. (And get good grades because yes, I care about school) I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE!
Well, technically, I'm not in love.
I'm in something worse. Way, way, waaaaayyyyy worse.
And it is called... drumroll please!
Unrequited love.
I am in unrequited love.
With a boy I've known my entire life who lives on the other side of the country I live in. 
A boy who yes, cares about me, but not like I want him too.
A boy who I never thought would like me back, but for some odd reason, 3 years ago I decided to tell him I liked him.
I was right though, he didn't like me back.
What bothers me most about that, is that he never directly said, "I don't feel the same way."
I just said, "Please don't hate me." or something like that and he said something like, "It's okay, you can't control who you like."
Anyways, none of that even matters, what matter is that he will never like me back.
Okay, well, not never, but, there's a 99% chance he will never like me back.
But I'm a teenage girl, I have the heart and mind of a teenage girl.
My mind is telling me "Get over him. He doesn't want you? Then he doesn't deserve you."
But my heart is telling me "Girl, there's a 1% chance, that's all you need, as long as you got a chance, no matter how small, it's still a chance. You just need to show him how great you are! You've changed a lot since the last time you saw him."
And the problem is, I don't know which one to go with.
Okay well, that's not true. 
Normally, I always go with my heart, but, in this case, I WANT to go with my brain.
BUT I CAN'T GET OVER HIM. HE'S JUST SO PERFECT. AHHHH.

I guess, it's better that he doesn't live here, because sometimes I'm able to push him out of my mind for a bit because I don't see him or hear from him very often. But he always creeps back in there.

I've been that girl who spent days upon days (years upon years actually) obsessing and crying over a guy. And I wish I hadn't. I've wasted so much time on boys and I'm not going to waste anymore. This year is about me. And making my relationships with my girlfriends stronger because they're more important to me than any boy could ever be.

I just, needed to accept the fact that I still have feelings for Asher.
And I know, that if he were to tell me he liked me.
I'd do the long distance relationship thing in a heart beat.
Because I trust him completely and fully and even though I only see him every 4 years (if I'm lucky) it'd be worth it. It'd be worth it for him. 

So, I'm going to stop pretending that I'm over him. I've had this crush for 7 years and it's not going away anytime soon so I'm just going to embrace it and try to move on with my life. I think another reason for my rule where I'm not allowing myself to date this year (well, until I turn 16) is because it's not really fair to other guys for me to date them when I obviously like Asher more.
But hey, if I find a guy who I like more than Asher that likes me too, well hallelujah!

But for now, I'll just stick to not wanting to be in love.


 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Holy Shit I'm Aging

Birthday's.
Everyone has one, whether they celebrate it or not.
When my next birthday rolls around I'll be 16 years of age. I've wanted to be sixteen ever since I understood what birthdays were. Maybe because I'll be able to drive. Maybe because it's my golden birthday. OR maybe because of how glamorous being sixteen appears to be. Y'know, those sweet sixteen parties with mansions and famous bands and tons of people and your parents give you a car. A few years ago I realized that, I don't live in a mansion, and I don't know any famous bands, (I did meet Stereos though!! <3) I have a lot of friends, but not hundreds like you see on TV and the only way I'm getting a car is if I get honours with distinction in school. Even though that fantasy is gone, for some reason being 16 is an EXTREMELY big deal to me. It IS my golden birthday and I WILL be able to finally get my drivers license, if I ever get around to reading the drivers manual.
Now of course, like most teenagers, I have a slight fear of aging. And when I say slight I mean...  I DON'T WANT TO BE OLD AND FAT AND WRINKLY AND NOT BE ABLE TO WALK WITHOUT A CANE. I DON'T WANT TO GET A JOB AND HAVE TO PAY BILLS. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT POLITICS AND THE ECONOMY. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO STOP ACTING LIKE A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M IMMATURE. I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE OLD. I would have said I don't want to stop watching family channel and spongebob and scooby-doo and such but I'm still going to do that no matter how old I am.
But ohwell, getting old is inevitable so why waste my youth worrying about it? Might as well enjoy it while I can.

Reasons

Maybe this is what I need.
Maybe it will help.
Maybe it won't help at all.
Who knows? I might as well try, right?

12 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Kill Myself

1. I'll never be able to prove to my parents that they suck at parenting.
2. Molly would have no one to complain about Michael too. Well, she'd have Gretta, but, I think I understand better.
3. I'll never know what a kiss feels like.
4. I'll never fall in love.
5. I'll never figure out what career I want.
6. I'll never figure out if I want to get married and have kids.
7. I'll never go to highschool.
8. I'll never go to university.
9. Lissa would be alone again, she'd have no one to hangout with at school and on that trip.
10. I'll never slow dance with a guy.
11. If I kill myself, I might find out that nobody actually cared about me.
12. I don't want to die.

12 Reasons Why I Should Kill Myself

1. My parents don't know how to raise children properly.
2. I hate that I do so much for some of my friends and I'm always there when they need me and when I need them they're nowhere to be found.
3. My family would be better off without me.
4. I'll fall in 'love', but I'll never be loved back.
5. I don't know what career I want.
6. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
7. I'm scared of growing up.
8. Nobody understands me.
9. I would never have to hear about how ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, I am again.
10. My friends and family would finally see how much I do for them, because I wouldn't be there to do it.
11. I can finally be free. Free from hatred and worry and people who hurt me.
12.  I want to die.

So maybe that helped, maybe it didn't. I'm not going to kill myself yet, if I do decide to, I'll let you know. I want to be able to say I made it through this, but sometimes it just get's too hard.