Dear Whoever Cares

Okay so, instead of writing the history of my life from start to finish. I have decided to write little confessions about my life. Starting today, and I will keep going until I feel that I have let go of all the pain and hurt.

Say That You Love Me

No matter how many times I say that I don't want a boyfriend, it'll never be true.

My excuses are true, I am too busy for a relationship.

But that doesn't matter, I want lust, I want love, I want romance.

I want walks along the beach in the moonlight.

I want movie dates where we talk so much we get kicked out.

I want to hold hands in public so everyone can see we're together.

I want to hide my eyes on your chest while we watch scary movies.

I want your lips pressing against mine.

I want always and forever.

Maybe it's true that I'm not ready for that.

It doesn't matter, no one wants that with me.

It doesn't matter, there's no one ready and willing to give me that.

No boy would ever do any of that with me.

I don't for sure that no boy would ever want me like that, want me like I want you.

That's exactly why it doesn't matter. 

I'm never going to want anyone besides you. 

Believe me baby, I've tried.

I've liked other guys, other guys have liked me.

Hell, I even tried dating someone else.

He was so sweet, treated me so well, but he just wasn't you.

I'm never going to be happy with another boy.

I think I've known that for a while now, I'm just finally ready to admit it.

I'm that girl, in love with a boy who could never love her back.

Sure, it's easier to deal with your rejection when you live on the other side of the country, but that's only because you can't see the tears.

You didn't see me fall asleep crying the day you told me you didn't feel the same way.

You didn't see the cuts on my arm the day you told me you had a girlfriend.

You don't know how much it hurts when you tell me you love other girls, when you tell me about all the sweet things you've done with them.

I'm done trying to move on, because I never will.

It's been nearly 6 years since I realized I liked you.

I'll just have to be content with loneliness.

The worst part is, even if you did feel the same way, it could never work.

It's not even the fact that we'd have a long-distance relationship, you've done that before, and I could handle it because I'd do anything to be with you.

It's religion. That's why I don't believe in god.

If you ever felt the same way, you'd have to give up your religion to be with me, and I don't think you'd do that for me.

Why don't I think you'd do that ?

Simple. Because I'm willing do to anything for you except convert my religion to yours, because I don't believe in it. I'm not very religious but I just couldn't do something like that.

So there you have it, another love note that you'll never see. My unrequited love for you feels like it well never fade, but I can hope, and I can dream, that one fateful day I'll meet someone, someone who'll love me enough that they'll make see you're not worth it. But if that doesn't happen...

I will always love you, until the day I die, and probably even after that.

Goodbye Forever

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I did. I tried, and I tried and I tried. 

But I'm not getting anywhere.

I can't take any more failures, I just can't. 

I have to live in reality, not some fantasy world.

I'm never going to be a singer, I'm not good enough.

I've tried out for my last musical.

I wasn't Sharpay, Taylor, Gabriella, or even Kelsey in HSM.

I wasn't Grace, Annie, or even one of the other orphans in Annie.

I wasn't anywhere close to being Jasmine, or one of the narrators in Aladdin.

I didn't even make it through the first round of Karaoke Star Jr. or The Next Star.

The only time I ever place first in the music festival is when I'm the only one in my category. 

I still truly believe that I can write lyrics, no one can take that away from me.

But I guess now I just won't be the one singing my songs.

I've been contemplating whether or not to quit voice lessons.

This is my fifth year doing them.

I've decided now. Not only will I give up voice lessons, I'm giving up singing altogether.

I'll be in highschool next year and it'll give me more time to concentrate on my studies anyways. I'm not going to stop singing, I'm just going to stop trying to be a singer. No more TV contests, recitals, music festivals, voice lessons, being in musicals, and I won't take vocals next year in high-school like I planned to. No more singing in front of people. The only person who will hear me sing, is me.

Now that I know singing won't get me through life I have to realize I can't count on writing either.

I still want to be an author, but I need a back up plan.

I'm thinking I'll be an ELA Professor or Teacher, a Therapist, or a Lawyer.

Back on track, "if at first you don't succeed, try try again" is all well and good but, if trying again breaks your heart, soul, and spirit every time, then give up.

If I keep trying, one day I'll finally break, and I don't want that.

I'm not a quitter. So even though in this musical, Guys and Dolls, I didn't get Adelaide or Sarah, I should stick with it, I'll probably end up quitting though. I'll have to finish this year's voice lessons, they're already paid for. But come next year, I'm done.

Two other girls got Adelaide and Sarah. If there two girls in my school , population less than 400 who are better at singing then me (and there's probably other girls in my school who are better too) then imagine how many there are in the whole world. I don't want to know.

Yeah, I'm upset, but I'll get over it. I don't think I could get over another failure.

It's time to let this wild dream go, as much as I may want to hold onto it.

R.I.P. MY SINGING VOICE

you had more lovers than haters,

always remember that.

I'll miss you, take care.

History - Chapter 1 - Baby

My parents were always busy.

I'm not lying when I say my grandmother basically raised me.

I was born in Whitby, Ontario.

About 8 months after I was born, my grandfather had a heart attack.

My parents, who were in the process of buying a house, (we lived in a condo) dropped everything, packed up, and moved here.

My grandfather, was very sick. I didn't know this until much much later but, he had some sort of sickness back when he lived in India and the doctors there didn't cure it right I guess. It caused him to have a lot of kidney problems later, which resulted in him needing dialysis. Also, he was bi-polar, I honestly didn't know until he died, and I was 12 when that happened.

Anyways, once we moved here, we moved in with my grandparents, and my aunt Amy, she still lived with my grandparents because she had mild Autism and therefor she was unable to live the life of a normal person her age. (I think she was in her twenties when we moved here)

Eventually, with my sister on the way, my parents decided to buy a house of our own.

I was probably at my grandmothers house more than I was at my own though.

My grandmother taught me how to ride a bike, took me to get my ears pierced, got me over my baby soother sucking habit, was the first one to know when I got my period, she even potty trained me.

It wasn't just me, when my two younger sisters came along, she did the same for them too.

I always felt kind of abandoned by my parents.

There wasn't really too much from my time as a baby/toddler that still bothers me except for that.

So that concludes chapter 1 of my life.

Through The Light

It's time.

It's time I let go of who I used to be.

Of the people who've hurt me.

Of everything I've been through.

And today I start. 

Today I start, and who knows when I'll stop? It could take days, weeks, months, years, for me to finish.

But if I don't start, I'll never finish.

I'll be honest, because what do I really have to lose?

This is an attempt to stop myself from feeling suicidal. 

Yeah, that's right. 

Everybody thinks I'm the happy one. They say I'm smart, funny, happy, stylish, rich,I have it all. 

That's because it's easier to hide when everyone thinks you're okay. 

It's so much easier to stand out and get noticed and seem happy because no one would ever guess that on the inside, I want to die.
There. I said it.  I  W A N T  T O  D I E .

Sometimes, I just start crying. I guess you could say it's for no reason, but it's not.

It's because I'm thinking. 

I want to be more like the girl everyone thinks I am, I guess I figured if I pretended for long enough, I'd start to believe it too.

And for a little while, I think I did. 

But, I want to be happy for real.

I keep trying, I really do.

I even got a therapist for a while.

She believed the fake happiness too, which is sad because, she's paid to know that really I'm depressed.

Anyways, I want my chance to pass through the light.

To leave my true identity behind for good.

That's why I changed my name, my persona.

Sierra Starr is the girl I've always wanted to be, that's why I use that name. 

It represents the person I can and will become. 

It's more than just a name, it's a personality.

So today I will start a new chapter.

I will write part one of my life, my story, my history.

I will write and write until everything that ever hurt me is exposed.

 "With determination and purpose, I will head into the light."

Boys Boys Boys ( Part 1 )

"Don't play guitar to impress somebody... unless that somebody is really hot." - Brad Paisley

Okay so, in case you haven't guessed, dear readers, I have decided that I will start and end each post with a quote. This quote may or may not have any relevance to what it is I write about in the post.
This one does. My friend, Max, is reading this book that had this quote in it. He showed it to me during reading period and I thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Since we're talking about Max I might as well tell you that it's possible I have a crush on him. He thinks I like this other guy, Cade Which is partially true, I mean I do sort of like him. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell Max or Cade how I feel, so it doesn't really even matter.
I just wish that something would go right.
Most of my friends right now, either have a boyfriend or are in that "I WANT A BOYFRIEND SOOOOO BAD" stage. Honestly, I still think I'm too young to have a relationship. I don't think I could handle it. I mean, with school, there comes homework and studying, and I'm a straight A student and I'm involved in so many extra-curricular activities that, I wouldn't even have time for that. I barely have time to hangout with my friends! That's only one reason. If you read any of my other posts, you'll have a basic idea of what kind of a person I am. I have trust issues. ( See: Little White Lies ) But really, everyone seems to these days, and that's sad.
ANYWAYS, back on track, I have trust issues, and that ruins relationships.
I had a boyfriend once, Beck. He was a great guy, super sweet, caring, funny, and he loved me, what more could a girl ask for ? After only about a week and a half of dating, I got scared, and I broke up with him. I don't remember what I said to him about why I was breaking up with him, but it was a lie.
The truth is, I broke up with him because I WAS SCARED. Because I "loved" him. I didn't want him to break my heart so I did it myself.
We moved on, we're very close friends now. I've never stopped loving him, sure, it's kind of faded into more of a friend kind of love.
But in this little place in the back of my heart, I know that it's still there, the part of me that loves him as more than a friend. I don't plan on telling anyone that. For some reason I seem to think that if I keep it a secret it will go away.
* There's quotations around the word love because I'm not really sure that I loved him. At the time, I thought I did, but I don't really think it was love.

Alright, that's it for today, but I've decided this is going to be an on-going thing. My rants about boys.

“I don't know," I said. "What else did you do for your first eighteen years?"
"Like I said," he said as I unlocked the car, "I'm not so sure that you should go by my example."
"Why not?"
"Because I have my regrets," he said. "Also, I'm a guy. And guys do different stuff."
"Like ride bikes?" I said.
"No," he replied. "Like have food fights. And break stuff. And set off firecrackers on people's front porches. And..."
"Girls can't set off firecrackers on people's front porches?"
"They can," he said... "But they're smart enough not to. That's the difference.”
― Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride


 Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

I Am Only Human

And as I walked through the hallway a feeling of aloneness swept over me.

I stopped in my tracks and realized that, I was indeed, alone.

I don't like this place my life has come to, one by one, my best friends fade away.

I'm left in this place where everybody and their best friend is doing something, and I'm left alone.

Today in gym class I sat down and said to myself, "Wow. You have nobody."

I don't know why but, it just seems like nobody really wants to be around me right now.

They all have somewhere else to be, they sit there making plans with each other right in front of me, leaving me to wonder where I went wrong.

I guess that's the problem with having a lot of friends, you're not really that close with them.

I just wish... I don't even know. I wish life was easy.

I wish I didn't have to sit here and worry about being forever alone.

Maybe, I'm just one of those people who ends up bitter and alone with 38 cats.

So I did what I always do when I have a problem.

First, I thought about why it could of happened.

It occurred to me that, I am a little different then I used to be.

Not too long ago, I decided that I was done.

I meant a lot of things by that.

You see, I've always been the nice girl, I'll give you my food when you're hungry even if I haven't eaten anything all day, I'm always helping everybody, it's just the way I am. I put everyone else first.

Then, I decided that, I MATTER TOO.

I do so much for so many people and what do I get ? Nothing.

I decided that I had to start caring about myself too.

That I wasn't going to let myself get used or put down any longer.

That I wasn't going to put up with everyone's crap.

Maybe that's driven them away from me.

The fact that I no longer exist only to please them.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry.

Cry and cry until my eyes are dry.

But I don't.

I tell myself  "You're stronger than this, you'll make it through."

I'm a really sensitive person, the smallest of things can make me upset.

Usually, it's because it pertains to something else but, still.

All I ever wanted, was to be happy.

Is that so much to ask ?