Find True Love, The Fairytale Kind

People want more.

It's just a fact of life, sure, there are some people that are happy with their lives, but not many. For some reason, what we have is never enough, because you can always have more. 

I just finished reading a book, "Loser/Queen" by Jodi Lynn Anderson. I suppose that's what brought this on, it's about a girl who's a loser in high-school (never heard that one before, eh ?) and how she manages to climb to the top of the food chain. (or pretty close at least) She does this by bringing down a few of the people who are majorly popular. So then I got thinking, who would I bring down if I had the choice ? That's when I realized, no one. 

There really isn't anyone I could bring down, the thing with our school is that, yes it has "cliques" but no one wants to be in a different clique, we're happy where we are, because it's not really about who's cooler. No one is really cooler, well, I mean, some people think they are, but really they're not. After I realized all of that, I was momentarily shocked when I realized I spent most of my elementary and middle school years trying to get to where I am now, with a big group of friends, boys and girls, who hangout a lot outside of school, like going to the movies, mall, the park, each others houses. I wanted to be one of those girls who stays up all night texting, is addicted to pointless teenage soap operas, hangs out with her friends every weekend, always has plans, is complimented on her style and cool accessories . 

I am, that's who I am.  So I've got 2 new quotes for this, "Everybody wants more until they get it." & "It's only what you want when you don't have it." Now that I have all of that stuff I wanted for so long, it's not what I want, but I don't want to move on up, I want to go back to where I used to be. Too bad for me I can't. I can't go back, all I can do is go forward. 

I mean sure, my friends are great and all, but I want my old friends back, out of all my old friends they only ones I still talk to are Bea & Casey, and I don't miss all my old friends, just the important ones, the ones that were always there for me, the real ones. I haven't really talked to any of them in over a year, most of them just drifted away, some, one, we got in a fight and never really made up. I guess you could say I'm living proof that nobody is ever happy where they are. Well, not nobody, most people.

Good things to happen to people, but good things come with a price. H-A-T-E. You look at every person out there who's doing good in their life and they all have at least one hater. I don't understand the point of hating someone because they have something you want. Really though, what kind of person spends their life hating everyone else ? What kind of a life is that? It's just so stupid! "The hate will consume you from the inside out."-Timothy DeLaGhetto

Because people just want what they can't have, they want to be loved. I mean, who can really blame them ? Really though, someone needs to stand up and say "Fairytales don't happen in real life.."

Just a note that any names used in this post (Bea & Casey) are not real, the people are real, but those are not their names.

Je Déteste Français

French.

The language of love.

I don't hate anything, I'm not a hateful person, but I hate french.

Tomorrow the script for a cooking show, and video response on Cinderella Man are due. In french. I can barley do these things in English and I'm expected to do it in french.

I know what you're thinking, why are you in french immersion if you hate french ?

First of all, I'm not, I'm in integrated french, second of all, my parents forced me to be in french, just like they're going to force me into I.B. in high-school. Oh, and did I mention they are planning on choosing my courses for me too?

I'm just talking about this now because I was working on the cooking show script and I burst out crying, I'm still crying. That's how much I hate french. 

It's going to take me at least an hour, most likely more, to finish this, well, there goes time for my other homework.

I'm a straight A student and now I'm slacking off and doing bad in other classes because I have to focus all my attention on french. I used to be ahead in math, I was with the group of people titled the genius kids, now I'm behind the people that are ALWAYS farthest behind. I just received an 80% on my PDR test. That's the lowest grade I've EVER gotten on a test. I blame french for that, because the weekend I was supposed to be studying for the PDR test I was too busy studying for the Science Humains ( Social Studies ) test, in french. which I got an 89% on, which is the second worst grade I've ever received. 

Yeah I get it, you're looking at me like I'm crazy, 89% ? That's a really good grade! Yeah well, not when you've got my parents asking me where the other 11% went ?

I've only got this year, and one more and then my three years of french will be over. I've lost so much already.. I forget to mention being in french, I made new friends, didn't hang out with my old friends as much, and I lost all of them except for one, I lost one of the best friends I've ever had because of stupid french. 

I despise french, and my parents, 5 more years and I'll be 18. Maybe then, I'll be free.

Olive You

I love you.

People are always saying how those are the three hardest words to say. So, they find other ways, try to be subtle. A few of my personal favourites are Olive you, and IMU. Olive you, obviously sounds like I love you, but it's just simpler. IMU, well, you can figure than that one out for yourselves, it's actually not to hard.

Adult's are always saying teenagers are too young to be in love. Maybe they're right, who knows ? Maybe what we're feeling isn't love, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I get butterflies every time you smile at me.

I can feel my heart beat faster when we accidentally touch.

I'm jealous just seeing you talk to another girl.

I've known you for such a long time, but now we're friends.

We talk almost everyday and you're always making me laugh.

There's a lot of classes that you hate in school, but one of them is becoming my favourite.

Because I sit right behind you and you're always turning around to talk to me, or giving me one of your looks because of something the teacher said.

You'll never know how much I love that.

You're so not my type, but you're so freaking adorable and I can't help falling for you.

But, you're not one of those guys who I only like because they're hot.

You're smart, you're funny, we have a lot in common, and it's so cute when you say the wrong thing.

You do that a lot, say the wrong thing.

It's quite hilarious.

But you know, there's one thing you could say to me that even you couldn't mess up.

It's really simple actually.

8 letters.

3 words.

1 meaning.

I love you.

Be Yourself.

Your point of view; is the glass half empty or half full?

Or maybe it’s neither, it really all depends on what you fill your glass with.
Is it filled with joy, love, and happiness? Sweet, sweet lemonade.
Or is it filled with anger, despair, and hurt? Bitter coffee.

Everybody says they’re going to change, but where is that person who actually does.

You’ve got to be the one who never gives up, the one who always believes, be yourself.

I know you’ve heard it all before, just be yourself and it will make everything better.

Does it?

Sure, maybe you won’t get that person you “love” maybe you’ll lose a few “friends" and maybe you won’t be the president, maybe you won’t be famous.

That’s fine.

I’m not the type of person who believes everything is set out for us, but I do believe everything happens for a reason.

That person that you’re so “in love” with? Yeah, maybe now they mean the world to you, but if you have to give up being yourself, if you have to change who you are to get them, they’re not worth it.

You can’t lose friends. If they were so important to you, you would have gotten them back. Sure, you can miss them, you can even wish you were still friends, but you’re not. People fight for what they love and what they believe in, if you didn’t, so be it.

There’s always going to be ups and downs, you just have do everything you can to make the downs less painful and the ups more fun.

You may never realize how being yourself and not caring what anybody else thinks of you can change your life.

Or it may take you a long time and a lot of pain to find out who you are.

People tell me I’ll never understand what real pain is.

They tell me I only think about myself.

They tell me I’m just a spoiled rich bitch.

They tell me I’ll never make it, I’m not good enough.

They tell me I’m ugly.
I'm stupid.
Trust me, I've heard it all.

Well you know what?

I stopped listening.

You can’t even begin to imagine the pain I’ve felt in the 13 years I’ve been on this earth, I’ve been through enough I don’t need people telling me what I’ve felt.

Even after all that, I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just want to help everyone else, I don’t want them feeling as low as I once did.

I’m not rich. Just because I’m more well off than you, doesn’t mean I’m rich. I’m nowhere near rich. Rich is mansions and more cars then you need to drive, not getting what you want for Christmas and birthdays.

Whatever I decide to do with my life, I’ll not only do it well; I’ll do it better than it’s ever been done. I’d just like to know what gives you the right to tell me I’m not good enough. When do you get to decide? It’s my decision, and I say I’m just fine the way I am.

Nobody in this universe is ugly. Everybody is beautiful to somebody. So you think I’m ugly, I don’t care; someone out there loves me the way I am and that’s all that matters.

I refuse to change who I am just because someone tells me to, I’ll only change when I want to.

I’m not trying to be cocky, or stuck-up, I’m just letting you know you’re lucky I’m stronger. So many people out there kill themselves because they can’t take it anymore.

You want to know why I’m not going to do that?

Because I am going to prove to everyone that I’m gonna make it, I’m gonna be beautiful, I’m gonna be smart, I’m gonna be myself.

So, if you're not yourself... then who the hell are you?

Barcode Tattoo

I don't want words put into my mouth, I don't want to be told what to think.

Sometimes I wish I could fly. I wish I could just spread my wings and be free.

Fly somewhere where no one would find me, though I doubt they'd even be looking.

I really just want to leave, get out of this place and go somewhere else, somewhere different.

Where no one would know who I was, so I could start again. Don't you ever wish you could just start again?

Mother keeps threatening to send me to boarding school. I keep telling her, fine then go ahead.

I don't think she realizes that I'm serious. If it's the only way I can get out of here then I'll take it.

I only have four more years of school left if you don't count this year, that's not a lot.

I have dreams. Who doesn't? I want to go to Harvard. I want to be an author.
I want to be free.

Little White Lies

Mother tells me I have terrible memory,

But I remember a lot of things, and I hold a lot of grudges.

There's a reason I am the way I am, because of other people.

There are three people I will NEVER forget, because they ruined my life.

I'm not  putting their real names, so let's call them Ella, Kylie, Jen.

Ella-

Wow, she's the reason I've always had such low self esteem.When I was little, I used to go to discovery kids camp. There was this one girl, Ella, who basically thought she was the queen, but I was scared of her because she was 4 years older than me, but she was so cool. Ella was skinny, way to skinny for her age, which was around 13 I think, and she was gorgeous, popular, I wanted to be like her. We would always go swimming for a couple hours before camp ended, that was one of my favourite parts. One day, my friend and I got out to change, as usual, except this time, Ella was in the changing room to, I was surprised, since she usually got out early with all of her friends. Anyways, we went to get our clothes an then we started changing. All of sudden Ella started laughing, we turned around and she said, "I think you're the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life!" My friend said, "Me?" and Ella said, "No, her!" pointing to me. I ran into one of the stalls and cried until my friend told me Ella was gone. I've hated the way I look ever since then, and that's why I always change in the stalls in gym class. I liked myself before that, I'd thought I was pretty, but ever since Ella said those words, I've been scarred for life. And I still don't understand why she did it. I was no threat to her, I was just a little girl. I'm not a little girl anymore but the 9 year old inside me just can't forget what she said.

Kylie-

Kylie was my best friend. I could go to her with all of my problems. We even had a friendship tree, the deal was, if either friend was feeling lonely, or upset they could go to the tree and wait for the other. Then, things started changing, Kylie was different, she was too 'cool' for me. I realize now that she bullied me. She was the reason I went home crying so many days. After our fights I'd always go to the friendship tree and wait for her, but she never came, I can't count how many times I've been to that tree. When I used to go for walks, a long time after Kylie and I were friends, sometimes I used to go to that tree, in hopes that maybe she'd show up, because even after everything she did to me, I still missed her.

Jen-

I thought we were friends, boy was I wrong. She spread nasty rumors about me, never kept my secrets, kissed my crush in pre-k, stole my best friend more than once. Now I've realized something; if they were my best friends, she couldn't of stolen them. And because she did all those things, it means she was jealous, she wanted what I had. She was just downright evil, I would still hate her to this day but, I've given up on hate.*

I don't know why she hated me so much, I'd never done anything to her. And she didn't always hate me, sometimes we were friends, sometimes we weren't. And when we weren't friends we were enemies. I'm glad she's out of my life now.

*I've given up on hate.

True, I don't like Jen, Ella, or Kylie, but I don't hate them. I really don't hate anyone, I just dislike them. After all these years of Mother saying hate is a strong word, I finally get it. Hate IS a strong word, but that was why I was using it. Now, I don't care, why would I waste time hating them, when the mean nothing to me? I'd like to just forget they exist.

I've got friends now, friends who love me and care about me.

Friends who can't be stolen from me because I know they wouldn't leave. They've helped me so much to get better. I'm going to get out, out of depression, because I'm sick of it, sick of fake smiles, but thankful that my friends are the reason the smiles aren't always fake. I was/am depressed. Since sixth grade, but as I said, I'm getting better. 

You'd never know though, never know how much I hate myself for doing what I did, never know that I've been faking for so long I don't know what's real. I'm so cheerful, I'm the nice one, I'm pretty. I take those compliments, but I don't believe them, just remember, the scars you can't see hurt the most.

And if anyone one of you guys are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get better without even knowing you did anything, I promise you one day, I'll get over this depression, 

one day I'll be like I was before I grew up, and I grew up way to fast, but that's okay, if I didn't, I wouldn't be me. And I love you, all of you. For teaching me how to laugh, love, live, and just be myself again. Without you guys I'd probably be locked up somewhere.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FlJYPBTyqU&feature=player_embedded

(^^ one of my favourite songs)

Anyways, thank you a thousand times for being there when I needed someone.

I love you.

So, I Think I Might Love You

I can't believe how easy it is to lie, it's much harder to tell the truth.
When somebody asks you "how are you?" they don't really want to know.
You just say, "I'm fine, and you?" but you don't care either.
Or do you? Are you one of the few that does care?
I don't think so, I don't think you give a shit.

Things you say, they hurt. I know you're joking, so I laugh, but they hurt.
People always say, sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.
But that's not true, words can hurt a lot.
The other day, you showed me a side of you I didn't think existed. 
You acted like a little kid, and it was adorable, you had me laughing so hard.
And those are the times I love, when you're making me laugh so hard I'm crying.

You're always making me smile too, you know how.
But every now and again you say something, and it brings me down.
You need to think, before you say things.
I've known you for so long, but right now we're closer than we've ever been.

I think you're pretty amazing.

I just hope you think the same thing about me.

I don't want to say it.
Don't want to say I'm in love.
Don't want to give you my heart just so you can break it.

So I'll just say this, I like you, a lot.

I've always sort of liked you, but now that we're sort of friends, I really like you.
And I wish I didn't like you, because I don't think you like me back.
I hate being a teenager, my stupid heart keeps falling for someone, even when my brain says no.
So please, just don't break my heart, it's had enough.
Because as much as I will try to deny it, I think I might be falling for you.