Too Late To Apologize

She wants me to apologize.
To take back what I said because she "knows" I didn't mean it.
She doesn't know why I said it, says she couldn't think of any reasons.
Says someone has to have done something extremely awful to deserve those words.
Says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
She's wrong.
I meant it.
I feel it.
It consumes every fibre of my being and in fact it's the only reason I'm still living.
Payback. Revenge. One day I'll get it.
That was just a trigger, this morning, I wasn't mad about that, I was mad about the past, about everything.

Is driving someone to take a blade to their skin awful enough?
Is driving someone to place a piece of burning metal on their flesh awful enough?
What about driving someone to shove their finger down their throat?
Or maybe, maybe driving someone to write countless notes that start with don't look because by the time you find me I'll be dead awful enough?
And if it's not, is the fact that I have planned out so many different times and ways and places to leave and never come back awful enough? 

She says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
There's one flaw, she doesn't know me. She knows the me I want her to know, the me everybody else knows.
There is only one person who knows the truth, me. 
I'll never tell and she'll never know just how wrong she is.

She wants me to apologize.
Maybe I will, but it won't change, can't change how I really feel.
We're far past the point where we could have fixed this problem.

I said "I hate you" to the man I am forced to call my father, and I have never meant anything so much.

Kill Me Softly

Today I remembered that most people are incapable of keeping promises and they're bound to let you down. I remembered what it felt like to want so badly to just explode, and then have to find another way to get your feelings out. But you see I found that way about four years ago. And every year my secret New Years Resolution is to not go back to that place where I've spent too much time in these past four years. So here's to next year, because this year has already been ruined too many times. 



I think maybe a small part of me knows. Knows that this is an addiction and I'm going to need some serious help to get over it but, no one sees. I've blinded them with smiles and fun and parties and nice clothes. They used to be suspicious, four years ago, because of the way I looked and acted back then, but what they don't know is that is still who I am, she's just hiding behind layer upon layer of fake and she only comes out when I'm alone.
And she's dangerous, mostly just to me but who knows how far she'd be willing to go.
Slowly but surely she's coming back, she's taking over my life again.
She's killing me softly. 

Sweet Sixteen

Was it weird that it happened today? 
My day started and ended with him. It was the first time, and I think that I don't want it to be the last.
Maybe before I wasn't sure what this was, these feelings, but then I saw him standing outside my classroom as I rushed to the bus and I couldn't help but wish he was standing out there waiting for me.
Him.
It would be easier for me if he wasn't everything I said I'd wanted, easier still if he was with someone else.
But he's not. And the fact that I have a chance, no matter how small, continues to drive me insane.
And then I find out things like maybe there was this girl he liked before he was taken, and maybe he thought she liked him too and maybe now that he's not taken he still likes her, and maybe she was me. And the only real maybe is the last one because how am I to know? 
There are so many possibilities, so many girls it could have been and how am I to know that it was me?
Because maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'm going to get my heart broken all over again.
But maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'll have to suffer a million heartbreaks before I find someone willing to pick me up of the ground and put the pieces back together again.
Maybe it will be him, and maybe it won't.
But I can't help wonder, was it weird that it happened today?

Dazed & Confused

And when my laptop battery hits the red zone, 20%, for what feels like the 100th time just this week I'm thinking hey didn't I just charge it? But then again maybe I didn't. Because it's midnight even though the last time I looked at the clock it was 10:30. Because one more story about love and lust and a perfect relationship like I'll never have turned into 20 more. Because that homework I was going to do never got done and even though I promised myself that tonight things would be different they weren't. I'm hopeless. I'm just a mess. And tomorrow will be another day. Just another day of waking up late because I didn't get any sleep and rushing to get ready and not eating breakfast because I didn't have time and forgetting whatever it was I needed to remember and then trying not to fall asleep in class as my stomach growls because I haven't eaten since supper time last night then running around at lunch talking to teachers because despite my inability to do homework at home I care about my grades and then doing that homework I didn't do last night when I was supposed to then taking the bus home even though I hate the bus because I can't drive yet and even if I could I don't have a car and then staying as long as supper but going out after that and not coming home until it's as late as possible because I don't want to be around my family any longer than I have to be and then coming home and sleeping until lunchtime because it's finally the weekend. It's just a circle, a continuos cycle, and I'm just dazed and confused. 

What Would You Do?

I will not apologize if I am not sorry.
What's the point?
If I did it, chances are I'm not sorry for doing it, unless it was an accident.
I reacted the way one should when one's sisters are trying to kill each other.
Sister #2 was attacking Sister #1 and I said, "MOTHER, COME DOWNSTAIRS THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER!" I said it loudly and I said it twice, but Mother did not come.
While they are both younger than me, I am the smallest of us three, even so, I decided it was my duty to defend Sister #1. I said to Sister #2 "Don't make me come over there, you know I can hurt you."
She continued to attack Sister #1 and I was forced to pull them apart, Sister #2, being the youngest ran crying to Mother and now Sister #1 and I are in trouble. 
What would you have done in this situation?
Was I wrong for stepping in?

it DOES get better

Do you ever feel alone?
Do you ever feel lost?
Do you ever feel sad?
Do you ever feel sad, lost, & alone?

I know I do sometimes. But today, someone (AdorianDeck) pointed out that, without all the bad things that happen to us and make us feel sad, lost, and alone, we wouldn't be who we are today.
I'm proud of who I am. It may have taken me awhile to get here but I did.
And I agree with Mr. Deck on this one. 
I've had my fair share of bullies and bad things happening to me, but without them, I wouldn't be the person that I am so proud to be. 
So I just wanted to say, to anybody who's listening, it DOES get better.
And the bad things that happen to you in life can make you into a better person if you let them.
As Adorian said, I may not know you personally, but I know that you are a unique human being and you are beautiful just the way you are and I love you. 
If anyone out there is feeling sad, lost, & alone and you see this, just know I'm here for you.
And if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me anytime. <3

Another Sad Song

I did it today. It's been one month and twenty days since the last text he sent me.
I deleted them. ALL OF THEM. They started in July of 2011, because that's when I got this phone, and I've never deleted a single one until now. (And if you count my old phone, they started in 2010) 
It was just important for me, I have to let go of him. It took me awhile but I finally did it.
Now I just need to delete his number...
I cried. I read through some of our old texts and I cried, because I miss him, a lot.
But I'm going to delete his number right now.
Because whatever we had is over, and it's over for good.
There.
It's gone.
His texts are gone, his number is gone, he's gone.
A part of me thinks it was love, at one point.
But logic tells me I'm too young to even know what love is.
What I do know is that I still miss him.
Every time I see him around school (which isn't very often) I want to scream in his face "I FUCKING MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!" But I don't.
I...I can't even say anything anymore.
I'm just... I thought we'd...I don't even.
UGH.