I Don't Wanna Be In Love

Tell me what love is.
If I'm too young to be feeling it then tell me how old I have to be.
And tell me why.
Why do I feel like this?
And if this isn't love then tell me what it is?
And last of all, TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I'm 15. I want to have fun and try new things and just be crazy. (And get good grades because yes, I care about school) I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE!
Well, technically, I'm not in love.
I'm in something worse. Way, way, waaaaayyyyy worse.
And it is called... drumroll please!
Unrequited love.
I am in unrequited love.
With a boy I've known my entire life who lives on the other side of the country I live in. 
A boy who yes, cares about me, but not like I want him too.
A boy who I never thought would like me back, but for some odd reason, 3 years ago I decided to tell him I liked him.
I was right though, he didn't like me back.
What bothers me most about that, is that he never directly said, "I don't feel the same way."
I just said, "Please don't hate me." or something like that and he said something like, "It's okay, you can't control who you like."
Anyways, none of that even matters, what matter is that he will never like me back.
Okay, well, not never, but, there's a 99% chance he will never like me back.
But I'm a teenage girl, I have the heart and mind of a teenage girl.
My mind is telling me "Get over him. He doesn't want you? Then he doesn't deserve you."
But my heart is telling me "Girl, there's a 1% chance, that's all you need, as long as you got a chance, no matter how small, it's still a chance. You just need to show him how great you are! You've changed a lot since the last time you saw him."
And the problem is, I don't know which one to go with.
Okay well, that's not true. 
Normally, I always go with my heart, but, in this case, I WANT to go with my brain.
BUT I CAN'T GET OVER HIM. HE'S JUST SO PERFECT. AHHHH.

I guess, it's better that he doesn't live here, because sometimes I'm able to push him out of my mind for a bit because I don't see him or hear from him very often. But he always creeps back in there.

I've been that girl who spent days upon days (years upon years actually) obsessing and crying over a guy. And I wish I hadn't. I've wasted so much time on boys and I'm not going to waste anymore. This year is about me. And making my relationships with my girlfriends stronger because they're more important to me than any boy could ever be.

I just, needed to accept the fact that I still have feelings for Asher.
And I know, that if he were to tell me he liked me.
I'd do the long distance relationship thing in a heart beat.
Because I trust him completely and fully and even though I only see him every 4 years (if I'm lucky) it'd be worth it. It'd be worth it for him. 

So, I'm going to stop pretending that I'm over him. I've had this crush for 7 years and it's not going away anytime soon so I'm just going to embrace it and try to move on with my life. I think another reason for my rule where I'm not allowing myself to date this year (well, until I turn 16) is because it's not really fair to other guys for me to date them when I obviously like Asher more.
But hey, if I find a guy who I like more than Asher that likes me too, well hallelujah!

But for now, I'll just stick to not wanting to be in love.


 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Holy Shit I'm Aging

Birthday's.
Everyone has one, whether they celebrate it or not.
When my next birthday rolls around I'll be 16 years of age. I've wanted to be sixteen ever since I understood what birthdays were. Maybe because I'll be able to drive. Maybe because it's my golden birthday. OR maybe because of how glamorous being sixteen appears to be. Y'know, those sweet sixteen parties with mansions and famous bands and tons of people and your parents give you a car. A few years ago I realized that, I don't live in a mansion, and I don't know any famous bands, (I did meet Stereos though!! <3) I have a lot of friends, but not hundreds like you see on TV and the only way I'm getting a car is if I get honours with distinction in school. Even though that fantasy is gone, for some reason being 16 is an EXTREMELY big deal to me. It IS my golden birthday and I WILL be able to finally get my drivers license, if I ever get around to reading the drivers manual.
Now of course, like most teenagers, I have a slight fear of aging. And when I say slight I mean...  I DON'T WANT TO BE OLD AND FAT AND WRINKLY AND NOT BE ABLE TO WALK WITHOUT A CANE. I DON'T WANT TO GET A JOB AND HAVE TO PAY BILLS. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT POLITICS AND THE ECONOMY. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO STOP ACTING LIKE A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M IMMATURE. I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE OLD. I would have said I don't want to stop watching family channel and spongebob and scooby-doo and such but I'm still going to do that no matter how old I am.
But ohwell, getting old is inevitable so why waste my youth worrying about it? Might as well enjoy it while I can.

Reasons

Maybe this is what I need.
Maybe it will help.
Maybe it won't help at all.
Who knows? I might as well try, right?

12 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Kill Myself

1. I'll never be able to prove to my parents that they suck at parenting.
2. Molly would have no one to complain about Michael too. Well, she'd have Gretta, but, I think I understand better.
3. I'll never know what a kiss feels like.
4. I'll never fall in love.
5. I'll never figure out what career I want.
6. I'll never figure out if I want to get married and have kids.
7. I'll never go to highschool.
8. I'll never go to university.
9. Lissa would be alone again, she'd have no one to hangout with at school and on that trip.
10. I'll never slow dance with a guy.
11. If I kill myself, I might find out that nobody actually cared about me.
12. I don't want to die.

12 Reasons Why I Should Kill Myself

1. My parents don't know how to raise children properly.
2. I hate that I do so much for some of my friends and I'm always there when they need me and when I need them they're nowhere to be found.
3. My family would be better off without me.
4. I'll fall in 'love', but I'll never be loved back.
5. I don't know what career I want.
6. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
7. I'm scared of growing up.
8. Nobody understands me.
9. I would never have to hear about how ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, I am again.
10. My friends and family would finally see how much I do for them, because I wouldn't be there to do it.
11. I can finally be free. Free from hatred and worry and people who hurt me.
12.  I want to die.

So maybe that helped, maybe it didn't. I'm not going to kill myself yet, if I do decide to, I'll let you know. I want to be able to say I made it through this, but sometimes it just get's too hard.