It happens eventually. The girl who never gets the guy, finally gets a guy.
Except the way it happened for me, I didn't exactly get him.
Because of course, of course he'd live a little over an hour away.
And of course his last relationship would have been a long distance one that ended with her leaving him for someone else.
So he didn't want to do long distance again, friends with benefits he'd said.
Ask me why I agreed to that.
Yeah, I don't know either.
But hey, it was all going okay.
Until a few days ago, 3 I think.
He mentioned that he'd seen his ex that day.
Then he said "God...I keep forgetting how beautiful she is."
Yeah. Yeah okay. Just because we're not dating, doesn't mean there aren't rules.
What makes you think I'm okay with you saying things like that?
Are you trying to make me feel like a worthless slut?
Because you're doing a damn good job you asshole.
Of course I didn't answer. What the hell would I say to that?
So when he said he was going to sleep and that he would text me tomorrow, I was relieved.
Tomorrow passed, no text.
The day after that, no text.
Today, still no text.
But. But a few minutes ago comes a snapchat, a picture of him, shirtless, his hair spiked up a bit like it was when I told him it looked good with the caption "feeling playful".
And it makes me wonder how many girls he sent that picture to.
And the fact that I care tells me that I can't do this.
I can't do friends with benefits.
Yeah, I told him I don't do relationships, but you know what else I don't do?
My math homework. So maybe there are some things that I should be doing.
And I don't just mean my math homework, although I really do have to start doing that.
Am I in love with him?
No. I'm not, there was a time when I thought that I could be, in the future, but now...I can only see that ending badly.
It wasn't just that he talked up his ex or just that he said he would text me tomorrow and it's been three days and still no text. It's both of those things.
It's all of the little asshole moves that I've been trying to ignore because finally somebody wants me. Somebody who I'm actually attracted to wants me.
There have been guys in the past, very few mind you, but they didn't say the things he says, they didn't make me feel the way he does.
But then... he goes from making me feel wanted to making me feel like I'm not good enough.
And it's hard for me to let go of him because of the good times.
But the bad times are bad enough that I know this would be the best decision for me.
I made a promise to my best friend that I wouldn't let this guy get into a place where he could hurt me.
And I'm breaking it, it's nearly broken.
And I've already been broken enough times, I'm already emotionally damaged enough.
I think what did it for me, what made me realize that this isn't what I want is that we had friends down from out west last week. One of them, he's my age, bought a necklace for his girlfriend. He showed me it, and asked my opinion, he wanted to know if I thought she'd like it.
And I thought, wow. I wish there was a guy who cared about me enough to do that.
And maybe there is. Hell, maybe he's out there right now talking to some girl who doesn't want him enough to date him and he's wishing that someone actually cared about him.
If I don't let go of this guy who I know is bad for me, I'll never find the guy who will go away on vacation and miss me. Because I don't need a necklace, I need love.
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