The Last Name Game

"Why should I be wasting my time with someone I don't like just because they have the same last name as me?" "No other animal keeps a relationship with its parents after its been raised. It's not natural."

Those are the two quotations that stuck out to me the most. But really I resonate with the whole of both of these quotations. Both of these men said the same things using two different arguments and I couldn't agree more with both of them. 

You see, my parents are unreasonable human beings and sometimes…sometimes I forget that, sometimes I forget that my parents are the kind of people who should not be allowed to raise children. But don't worry, they never fail to remind me.

"But…you have a car! And a big house! You have a hot tub, and a walk in closet. You have the phone you want, the clothes you want, the laptop you want, you get to go wherever you want, you have the perfect life!" Do you know how many times and from how many people I've heard this? Okay, yes, I'll give my parents credit for being very financially capable of looking after children. That's the one thing they have going for them. And you know what? Money DOES buy happiness. Because those are the times when I forget that my parents are awful people, when they buy me things. And for a while…I almost like them, because who wouldn't like someone that just bought them an iPhone 5s? So even though money can buy happiness, it's temporary happiness. Because as much as I love my phone, and as happy as my phone makes me, I still hate my parents, they still make me very upset. 

They like to bring me down. It's their absolute favourite thing to do. To criticize me, to laugh at my hopes and dreams and goals. And even though I shouldn't even care about their opinions, because I know they are horrible excuses for parents, it still hurts. It hurts to have someone literally laugh in your face and sarcastically say "oh sure you can."

I think the thing that bothers me most about my parents is that they think I'm awful. They thing I'm a bad kid or something. Which is completely and utterly ridiculous. I've had a 90% average or higher for my entire school career. I'm involved in so many extracurricular activities and I volunteer at multiple places. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't date, and I don't party. They literally could not have asked for a better child. And it infuriates me so much that they have this idea that I could be so much better. I just don't understand what more they want from me.

And for the longest time, I put up with it. I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I didn't date, and I didn't party. But…then it got to me. Because, they think I'm this horrible bad kid who doesn't listen so why shouldn't I be the kid they think I am? Why should I work so hard to be good if they're always going to think I'm bad? And…the answer to that was always my future. If I don't get good grades, if I don't get into a good university, if I don't get a well-paying job then… I can never escape them. Because that's my ultimate goal, to be the opposite of what is now normal and go back to the way animals do it, to do what these two men are saying in these pictures. 

But then I realized that I can do that even if I have a little sip of a cooler at a party with my boyfriend. Maybe I'll pass on the blunt because I still do have standards but hey it's nice to be a little wild and anyways maybe now my parents will think I'm good if they thought I was bad before. 

Congratu-fucking-lations!

Sometimes I just have to sit down and say to myself, what the fuck is wrong with society these days?

So this girl I know had a dream.
Her dream was to go to Thailand and help people.
She was going to achieve that dream next year, she graduates from highschool this year and she was raising money to afford it.
Now instead, she's going to be raising a child.

This girl may sound like a great person from what I've told you about her, but you don't know her. She makes a lot of commitments that she can't live up to, she spends her time partying and drinking.

But that's not important. It doesn't matter what kind of person she is.
What matters is that she is a young girl with a dream.
So why then, why are people saying to her "congratulations!"?

Congratulations for what?
For getting pregnant in high school?
For getting pregnant when you don't have the mental or financial capacity to look after a child?
These people might as well be saying "Congratulations! Your future is over and you can no longer achieve your dream of going to Thailand! Good job!"

Now before you get on my case saying maybe it wasn't her fault, remember that you don't know the backstory, but I do. She is happy about this baby.

I don't understand why.
Why would someone be happy about the fact that an 18 year old girl who had her whole life ahead of her is going to have to give up her dreams to be a mother?
Why is that something to be congratulated on?
It's not.

I will not congratulate you for bringing a human being into this world when you are not capable of giving it the life that it deserves.

Property Of…

So today I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and this one thing stuck out to me.
This girl that I've talked to maybe twice updated her profile picture.
Why is that a big deal? Well, it's not.
But what I saw next is. Her boyfriend had commented on it.
"Property of *her boyfriend's name*".
And that just really infuriated me.

People are not property, you cannot own a person.
And you know what's worse?
He probably meant that in a "loving" way.
This is a perfect example of how women are treated in this society.
We're supposed to belong to somebody else and not only be okay with that, but WANT it.

Laughter

Sometimes I get to thinking about my life and I just laugh. Because I'm so fucking screwed up and broken and no one even has the slightest clue and its kind of funny.

What Would It Take To Get You

It happens eventually. The girl who never gets the guy, finally gets a guy.
Except the way it happened for me, I didn't exactly get him.
Because of course, of course he'd live a little over an hour away.
And of course his last relationship would have been a long distance one that ended with her leaving him for someone else.
So he didn't want to do long distance again, friends with benefits he'd said.
Ask me why I agreed to that.
Yeah, I don't know either.
But hey, it was all going okay.
Until a few days ago, 3 I think.
He mentioned that he'd seen his ex that day.
Then he said "God...I keep forgetting how beautiful she is."
Yeah. Yeah okay. Just because we're not dating, doesn't mean there aren't rules.
What makes you think I'm okay with you saying things like that?
Are you trying to make me feel like a worthless slut?
Because you're doing a damn good job you asshole.
Of course I didn't answer. What the hell would I say to that?
So when he said he was going to sleep and that he would text me tomorrow, I was relieved.
Tomorrow passed, no text.
The day after that, no text.
Today, still no text.
But. But a few minutes ago comes a snapchat, a picture of him, shirtless, his hair spiked up a bit like it was when I told him it looked good with the caption "feeling playful". 
And it makes me wonder how many girls he sent that picture to.
And the fact that I care tells me that I can't do this.
I can't do friends with benefits.
Yeah, I told him I don't do relationships, but you know what else I don't do?
My math homework. So maybe there are some things that I should be doing.
And I don't just mean my math homework, although I really do have to start doing that.
Am I in love with him?
No. I'm not, there was a time when I thought that I could be, in the future, but now...I can only see that ending badly.
It wasn't just that he talked up his ex or just that he said he would text me tomorrow and it's been three days and still no text. It's both of those things.
It's all of the little asshole moves that I've been trying to ignore because finally somebody wants me. Somebody who I'm actually attracted to wants me.
There have been guys in the past, very few mind you, but they didn't say the things he says, they didn't make me feel the way he does.
But then... he goes from making me feel wanted to making me feel like I'm not good enough.
And it's hard for me to let go of him because of the good times.
But the bad times are bad enough that I know this would be the best decision for me. 
I made a promise to my best friend that I wouldn't let this guy get into a place where he could hurt me.
And I'm breaking it, it's nearly broken.
And I've already been broken enough times, I'm already emotionally damaged enough.
I think what did it for me, what made me realize that this isn't what I want is that we had friends down from out west last week. One of them, he's my age, bought a necklace for his girlfriend. He showed me it, and asked my opinion, he wanted to know if I thought she'd like it.
And I thought, wow. I wish there was a guy who cared about me enough to do that. 
And maybe there is. Hell, maybe he's out there right now talking to some girl who doesn't want him enough to date him and he's wishing that someone actually cared about him.
If I don't let go of this guy who I know is bad for me, I'll never find the guy who will go away on vacation and miss me. Because I don't need a necklace, I need love. 

Too Late To Apologize

She wants me to apologize.
To take back what I said because she "knows" I didn't mean it.
She doesn't know why I said it, says she couldn't think of any reasons.
Says someone has to have done something extremely awful to deserve those words.
Says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
She's wrong.
I meant it.
I feel it.
It consumes every fibre of my being and in fact it's the only reason I'm still living.
Payback. Revenge. One day I'll get it.
That was just a trigger, this morning, I wasn't mad about that, I was mad about the past, about everything.

Is driving someone to take a blade to their skin awful enough?
Is driving someone to place a piece of burning metal on their flesh awful enough?
What about driving someone to shove their finger down their throat?
Or maybe, maybe driving someone to write countless notes that start with don't look because by the time you find me I'll be dead awful enough?
And if it's not, is the fact that I have planned out so many different times and ways and places to leave and never come back awful enough? 

She says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
There's one flaw, she doesn't know me. She knows the me I want her to know, the me everybody else knows.
There is only one person who knows the truth, me. 
I'll never tell and she'll never know just how wrong she is.

She wants me to apologize.
Maybe I will, but it won't change, can't change how I really feel.
We're far past the point where we could have fixed this problem.

I said "I hate you" to the man I am forced to call my father, and I have never meant anything so much.

Kill Me Softly

Today I remembered that most people are incapable of keeping promises and they're bound to let you down. I remembered what it felt like to want so badly to just explode, and then have to find another way to get your feelings out. But you see I found that way about four years ago. And every year my secret New Years Resolution is to not go back to that place where I've spent too much time in these past four years. So here's to next year, because this year has already been ruined too many times. 



I think maybe a small part of me knows. Knows that this is an addiction and I'm going to need some serious help to get over it but, no one sees. I've blinded them with smiles and fun and parties and nice clothes. They used to be suspicious, four years ago, because of the way I looked and acted back then, but what they don't know is that is still who I am, she's just hiding behind layer upon layer of fake and she only comes out when I'm alone.
And she's dangerous, mostly just to me but who knows how far she'd be willing to go.
Slowly but surely she's coming back, she's taking over my life again.
She's killing me softly.