Barcode Tattoo

I don't want words put into my mouth, I don't want to be told what to think.

Sometimes I wish I could fly. I wish I could just spread my wings and be free.

Fly somewhere where no one would find me, though I doubt they'd even be looking.

I really just want to leave, get out of this place and go somewhere else, somewhere different.

Where no one would know who I was, so I could start again. Don't you ever wish you could just start again?

Mother keeps threatening to send me to boarding school. I keep telling her, fine then go ahead.

I don't think she realizes that I'm serious. If it's the only way I can get out of here then I'll take it.

I only have four more years of school left if you don't count this year, that's not a lot.

I have dreams. Who doesn't? I want to go to Harvard. I want to be an author.
I want to be free.

Little White Lies

Mother tells me I have terrible memory,

But I remember a lot of things, and I hold a lot of grudges.

There's a reason I am the way I am, because of other people.

There are three people I will NEVER forget, because they ruined my life.

I'm not  putting their real names, so let's call them Ella, Kylie, Jen.

Ella-

Wow, she's the reason I've always had such low self esteem.When I was little, I used to go to discovery kids camp. There was this one girl, Ella, who basically thought she was the queen, but I was scared of her because she was 4 years older than me, but she was so cool. Ella was skinny, way to skinny for her age, which was around 13 I think, and she was gorgeous, popular, I wanted to be like her. We would always go swimming for a couple hours before camp ended, that was one of my favourite parts. One day, my friend and I got out to change, as usual, except this time, Ella was in the changing room to, I was surprised, since she usually got out early with all of her friends. Anyways, we went to get our clothes an then we started changing. All of sudden Ella started laughing, we turned around and she said, "I think you're the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life!" My friend said, "Me?" and Ella said, "No, her!" pointing to me. I ran into one of the stalls and cried until my friend told me Ella was gone. I've hated the way I look ever since then, and that's why I always change in the stalls in gym class. I liked myself before that, I'd thought I was pretty, but ever since Ella said those words, I've been scarred for life. And I still don't understand why she did it. I was no threat to her, I was just a little girl. I'm not a little girl anymore but the 9 year old inside me just can't forget what she said.

Kylie-

Kylie was my best friend. I could go to her with all of my problems. We even had a friendship tree, the deal was, if either friend was feeling lonely, or upset they could go to the tree and wait for the other. Then, things started changing, Kylie was different, she was too 'cool' for me. I realize now that she bullied me. She was the reason I went home crying so many days. After our fights I'd always go to the friendship tree and wait for her, but she never came, I can't count how many times I've been to that tree. When I used to go for walks, a long time after Kylie and I were friends, sometimes I used to go to that tree, in hopes that maybe she'd show up, because even after everything she did to me, I still missed her.

Jen-

I thought we were friends, boy was I wrong. She spread nasty rumors about me, never kept my secrets, kissed my crush in pre-k, stole my best friend more than once. Now I've realized something; if they were my best friends, she couldn't of stolen them. And because she did all those things, it means she was jealous, she wanted what I had. She was just downright evil, I would still hate her to this day but, I've given up on hate.*

I don't know why she hated me so much, I'd never done anything to her. And she didn't always hate me, sometimes we were friends, sometimes we weren't. And when we weren't friends we were enemies. I'm glad she's out of my life now.

*I've given up on hate.

True, I don't like Jen, Ella, or Kylie, but I don't hate them. I really don't hate anyone, I just dislike them. After all these years of Mother saying hate is a strong word, I finally get it. Hate IS a strong word, but that was why I was using it. Now, I don't care, why would I waste time hating them, when the mean nothing to me? I'd like to just forget they exist.

I've got friends now, friends who love me and care about me.

Friends who can't be stolen from me because I know they wouldn't leave. They've helped me so much to get better. I'm going to get out, out of depression, because I'm sick of it, sick of fake smiles, but thankful that my friends are the reason the smiles aren't always fake. I was/am depressed. Since sixth grade, but as I said, I'm getting better. 

You'd never know though, never know how much I hate myself for doing what I did, never know that I've been faking for so long I don't know what's real. I'm so cheerful, I'm the nice one, I'm pretty. I take those compliments, but I don't believe them, just remember, the scars you can't see hurt the most.

And if anyone one of you guys are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get better without even knowing you did anything, I promise you one day, I'll get over this depression, 

one day I'll be like I was before I grew up, and I grew up way to fast, but that's okay, if I didn't, I wouldn't be me. And I love you, all of you. For teaching me how to laugh, love, live, and just be myself again. Without you guys I'd probably be locked up somewhere.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FlJYPBTyqU&feature=player_embedded

(^^ one of my favourite songs)

Anyways, thank you a thousand times for being there when I needed someone.

I love you.

So, I Think I Might Love You

I can't believe how easy it is to lie, it's much harder to tell the truth.
When somebody asks you "how are you?" they don't really want to know.
You just say, "I'm fine, and you?" but you don't care either.
Or do you? Are you one of the few that does care?
I don't think so, I don't think you give a shit.

Things you say, they hurt. I know you're joking, so I laugh, but they hurt.
People always say, sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.
But that's not true, words can hurt a lot.
The other day, you showed me a side of you I didn't think existed. 
You acted like a little kid, and it was adorable, you had me laughing so hard.
And those are the times I love, when you're making me laugh so hard I'm crying.

You're always making me smile too, you know how.
But every now and again you say something, and it brings me down.
You need to think, before you say things.
I've known you for so long, but right now we're closer than we've ever been.

I think you're pretty amazing.

I just hope you think the same thing about me.

I don't want to say it.
Don't want to say I'm in love.
Don't want to give you my heart just so you can break it.

So I'll just say this, I like you, a lot.

I've always sort of liked you, but now that we're sort of friends, I really like you.
And I wish I didn't like you, because I don't think you like me back.
I hate being a teenager, my stupid heart keeps falling for someone, even when my brain says no.
So please, just don't break my heart, it's had enough.
Because as much as I will try to deny it, I think I might be falling for you.

Until Your Heart Stops Beating.

They have no idea.

No idea at all.

The smallest things can hurt so much.

They can drive you to the edge,

To the point where you believe you exist only to feel to pain.

Because as long as you're here you can feel pain.

When you leave, 

So does the pain.

But what about the people that do have an idea.

They know how you feel.

They understand.

But most of all, 

They care.

They would never to  thing to hurt you.

All they want is for you not to feel pain.

They know when you're lying.

They can tell when you've got something on your mind.

If you leave,

They'll feel the pain.

But you don't hate.

Hate gets you nowhere.

So you love.

Because no matter how many times love gets your heart broken,

You can't stop.

You can't stop loving until your heart stops beating.