Somehow, Someway, Someday

It's amazing how much your life can change in a day.

I'm doing it. I really am.

I'm going to get better.

Somehow, someway, someday, I will be okay.

I read. A lot. It's always been a passion of mine. 

I feel like, everytime I read a book, I find myself wanting to be that main character. 

Wanting to be like her, no matter how bad her life gets, she gets a happy ending.

It always leaves me thinking, where's my happy ending ?

But, I've never done anything about it.

I don't know how I didn't figure this out sooner but, if I want a happy ending, I have to make one.

And I WILL. I can't be that girl. I know I can't. Why would I even want to be ?

Sometimes, I look back at my posts and think to myself, how did you ever feel like that ? 

I need to stop beating myself up for not being who I want to be and start becoming who I want to be.

I'm done. I promise you, I'm done. 

Done with all these problems that come with being me. I refuse to put up with it.

People tell me I deserve better, that I am better than this.

Maybe I'm finally starting to believe that they're right.

I am coming out of my cocoon and turning into a butterfly.

Just Call Me Beautiful

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, what did I do to deserve this ?

I have. Almost everyday.

No matter how many times people tell me, you're pretty, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous, I'll never believe it.

You see, when somebody compliments me I usually say "Not really, but thanks."

The reason for this is not because I'm fishing for compliments but because, that's how I truly feel.

It's a proven fact that when you look in mirror you see only all your flaws, but everybody else doesn't. So therefore, you look better to everybody else. I guess I just don't see what they see, all I see is a dissapointment.

I'll never be that girl. The one that all the boys want because she's beautiful, hot, gorgeous, flawless, 

p e r f e c t.

There was this one day when my friends and I were sitting at the lunch table at school and we were talking about self-esteem. I said to them "I actually have really low self-esteem." And they laughed. But can I blame them ?

I put on such a show. I hide behind the make-up and the clothes and the fake smiles. It's so much easier to hide behind happiness then to actually be myself.

But, since last year, I've been trying.

I don't want to go back to where I used to be. I won't. I can't. I just... It was horrible.

And I never wanna go through it again.

I've been looking in the mirror, and instead of punching myself in the stomach, listening to the voices in my head and repeating their words, "You're fat. You're ugly. Nobody will ever love you."

I look in the mirror and I say " HEY! Don't think like that, you're beautiful."

And one day, I will start believing it.

Game Over

If you could go back in time, and change something, anything, everything about your life, would you ?

If your answer is no, you're lying to yourself.

If I could go back, there's a lot of things I would change.

Yes, I suppose it's true that, it does not do to dwell on the past because you will miss your future. 

Somehow, I think it's human nature to want to dwell on the past, to want to be back living in the past.

It takes a long time to accept the fact that we can't. We can't go back, but we can go forward. 

We can pick our hopes and dreams up off the ground, we can throw away our sorrows and disappointment, hold our heads high and move on.

Sometimes that's what we need to do. Go to sleep and wake up the next morning as a completely different person.

Ignore everybody telling you that you can't make it, that you're stupid, useless, or worthless. 

Prove them wrong.

Show them you can do anything. You can do everything they said you couldn't.

Then one day, they'll be sorry. But you'll be too smart to care.

You'll be out there having the time of your life, living your dreams, whilst they're rotting away as a consequence of their hateful way of living life.

They're going to regret not believing in you.

The game is over now, and you won.