Boys Boys Boys ( Part 1 )

"Don't play guitar to impress somebody... unless that somebody is really hot." - Brad Paisley

Okay so, in case you haven't guessed, dear readers, I have decided that I will start and end each post with a quote. This quote may or may not have any relevance to what it is I write about in the post.
This one does. My friend, Max, is reading this book that had this quote in it. He showed it to me during reading period and I thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Since we're talking about Max I might as well tell you that it's possible I have a crush on him. He thinks I like this other guy, Cade Which is partially true, I mean I do sort of like him. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell Max or Cade how I feel, so it doesn't really even matter.
I just wish that something would go right.
Most of my friends right now, either have a boyfriend or are in that "I WANT A BOYFRIEND SOOOOO BAD" stage. Honestly, I still think I'm too young to have a relationship. I don't think I could handle it. I mean, with school, there comes homework and studying, and I'm a straight A student and I'm involved in so many extra-curricular activities that, I wouldn't even have time for that. I barely have time to hangout with my friends! That's only one reason. If you read any of my other posts, you'll have a basic idea of what kind of a person I am. I have trust issues. ( See: Little White Lies ) But really, everyone seems to these days, and that's sad.
ANYWAYS, back on track, I have trust issues, and that ruins relationships.
I had a boyfriend once, Beck. He was a great guy, super sweet, caring, funny, and he loved me, what more could a girl ask for ? After only about a week and a half of dating, I got scared, and I broke up with him. I don't remember what I said to him about why I was breaking up with him, but it was a lie.
The truth is, I broke up with him because I WAS SCARED. Because I "loved" him. I didn't want him to break my heart so I did it myself.
We moved on, we're very close friends now. I've never stopped loving him, sure, it's kind of faded into more of a friend kind of love.
But in this little place in the back of my heart, I know that it's still there, the part of me that loves him as more than a friend. I don't plan on telling anyone that. For some reason I seem to think that if I keep it a secret it will go away.
* There's quotations around the word love because I'm not really sure that I loved him. At the time, I thought I did, but I don't really think it was love.

Alright, that's it for today, but I've decided this is going to be an on-going thing. My rants about boys.

“I don't know," I said. "What else did you do for your first eighteen years?"
"Like I said," he said as I unlocked the car, "I'm not so sure that you should go by my example."
"Why not?"
"Because I have my regrets," he said. "Also, I'm a guy. And guys do different stuff."
"Like ride bikes?" I said.
"No," he replied. "Like have food fights. And break stuff. And set off firecrackers on people's front porches. And..."
"Girls can't set off firecrackers on people's front porches?"
"They can," he said... "But they're smart enough not to. That's the difference.”
― Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride


 Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

I Am Only Human

And as I walked through the hallway a feeling of aloneness swept over me.

I stopped in my tracks and realized that, I was indeed, alone.

I don't like this place my life has come to, one by one, my best friends fade away.

I'm left in this place where everybody and their best friend is doing something, and I'm left alone.

Today in gym class I sat down and said to myself, "Wow. You have nobody."

I don't know why but, it just seems like nobody really wants to be around me right now.

They all have somewhere else to be, they sit there making plans with each other right in front of me, leaving me to wonder where I went wrong.

I guess that's the problem with having a lot of friends, you're not really that close with them.

I just wish... I don't even know. I wish life was easy.

I wish I didn't have to sit here and worry about being forever alone.

Maybe, I'm just one of those people who ends up bitter and alone with 38 cats.

So I did what I always do when I have a problem.

First, I thought about why it could of happened.

It occurred to me that, I am a little different then I used to be.

Not too long ago, I decided that I was done.

I meant a lot of things by that.

You see, I've always been the nice girl, I'll give you my food when you're hungry even if I haven't eaten anything all day, I'm always helping everybody, it's just the way I am. I put everyone else first.

Then, I decided that, I MATTER TOO.

I do so much for so many people and what do I get ? Nothing.

I decided that I had to start caring about myself too.

That I wasn't going to let myself get used or put down any longer.

That I wasn't going to put up with everyone's crap.

Maybe that's driven them away from me.

The fact that I no longer exist only to please them.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry.

Cry and cry until my eyes are dry.

But I don't.

I tell myself  "You're stronger than this, you'll make it through."

I'm a really sensitive person, the smallest of things can make me upset.

Usually, it's because it pertains to something else but, still.

All I ever wanted, was to be happy.

Is that so much to ask ?