Purge Away Your Stress

See that picture? Well, let me tell you just what it is...

That would be the first time I ever made myself throw up, and it was just a few minutes ago.

I know what you're thinking, but, actually, you're wrong. 

First, let me just say, while this is the first time I've made myself throw up, it's not the first time I've tried. I've attempted more than a few times, this is just the first time I've succeeded. All the other times, I did it because I felt fat, and I wanted to be skinny, so I tried to throw up. But, not this time.

This time, I did because I didn't know what else to do.

I read a book, it was called Nothing and it was by Robin Friedman. It was about a boy named Parker who was Bulimic. And, he didn't really do it to lose weight, he did it to release stress.

I have problems with my Dad, I've probably mentioned that before, and well, so did Parker.

A week or two ago my Dad gave us a tearful speech about how he's sorry for being so hard on us (I have two sisters) and how he want us to look up to him and see him as a role model so he said he was going to be better now.

And the whole time he was giving us that speech I was secretly rolling my eyes thinking that it was bullshit.

I was right.

I was at Games Night with my girlfriends and he picked me up, that was around 11:30. We got home and he started going crazy because he couldn't find this bag of giftcards he got for my grandmother (tomorrow is Mothers Day) and how it was worth a lot of money. He started blaming my mother and she got upset but we all started looking for it. One of my sisters found it and me and her and my mother were all screaming with happiness and we told my father and he yelled " I DON'T CARE, SOMEBODY MOVED IT, IT WASN'T WHERE I LEFT IT!" So my mother goes "Can't you just be happy that she found it?" and then they started yelling at each other and I ran downstairs, but not before screaming "THIS IS ANOTHER REASON WHY I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED" And then my mother yelled back at me something about how that wasn't appropriate for me to say or I have no right to say that or something. Actually I do, it's called Freedom of Speech you stupid bitch. Anyways, I ran downstairs to my room crying, and then I walked into my bathroom and I wanted to cut, like I did a couple days before my dad gave us that teary speech (yes, he was the reason I cut myself, it had been nearly a year without cutting and he ruined it) but I willed myself not to.

I'm on the red right now and so I've been feeling a little bit nauseous, and also my parents fighting makes me feel like that, so, I stuck my fingers down my throat and I threw up while I cried.

And I'm not going to lie, when I was done, I felt a lot better. I felt like all the negative stuff was out of my system. I remembered a lot of the bad things that happened  to Parker in the book, his teeth were gray, the acid from the throw up hurt his throat, and other things, so I googled it. Instead of finding reasons why I shouldn't be bulimic. I found this, http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.ca/2009/02/ana-and-mia-tips-and-tricks.html . It's a blog post about tips and tricks on how to be Anorexic and Bulimic. I almost cried while reading that, half because it made me feel like shit, half because there's a freaking website that tells people how to be better Bulimics. It's a disease, Bulimia Nervosa is a disease that you can be diagnosed with. As easy as it would be for me to just throw up all the time, tonight was the first time I ever made myself throw up, and hopefully it will be the last.