Barcode Tattoo

I don't want words put into my mouth, I don't want to be told what to think.

Sometimes I wish I could fly. I wish I could just spread my wings and be free.

Fly somewhere where no one would find me, though I doubt they'd even be looking.

I really just want to leave, get out of this place and go somewhere else, somewhere different.

Where no one would know who I was, so I could start again. Don't you ever wish you could just start again?

Mother keeps threatening to send me to boarding school. I keep telling her, fine then go ahead.

I don't think she realizes that I'm serious. If it's the only way I can get out of here then I'll take it.

I only have four more years of school left if you don't count this year, that's not a lot.

I have dreams. Who doesn't? I want to go to Harvard. I want to be an author.
I want to be free.

Little White Lies

Mother tells me I have terrible memory,

But I remember a lot of things, and I hold a lot of grudges.

There's a reason I am the way I am, because of other people.

There are three people I will NEVER forget, because they ruined my life.

I'm not  putting their real names, so let's call them Ella, Kylie, Jen.

Ella-

Wow, she's the reason I've always had such low self esteem.When I was little, I used to go to discovery kids camp. There was this one girl, Ella, who basically thought she was the queen, but I was scared of her because she was 4 years older than me, but she was so cool. Ella was skinny, way to skinny for her age, which was around 13 I think, and she was gorgeous, popular, I wanted to be like her. We would always go swimming for a couple hours before camp ended, that was one of my favourite parts. One day, my friend and I got out to change, as usual, except this time, Ella was in the changing room to, I was surprised, since she usually got out early with all of her friends. Anyways, we went to get our clothes an then we started changing. All of sudden Ella started laughing, we turned around and she said, "I think you're the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life!" My friend said, "Me?" and Ella said, "No, her!" pointing to me. I ran into one of the stalls and cried until my friend told me Ella was gone. I've hated the way I look ever since then, and that's why I always change in the stalls in gym class. I liked myself before that, I'd thought I was pretty, but ever since Ella said those words, I've been scarred for life. And I still don't understand why she did it. I was no threat to her, I was just a little girl. I'm not a little girl anymore but the 9 year old inside me just can't forget what she said.

Kylie-

Kylie was my best friend. I could go to her with all of my problems. We even had a friendship tree, the deal was, if either friend was feeling lonely, or upset they could go to the tree and wait for the other. Then, things started changing, Kylie was different, she was too 'cool' for me. I realize now that she bullied me. She was the reason I went home crying so many days. After our fights I'd always go to the friendship tree and wait for her, but she never came, I can't count how many times I've been to that tree. When I used to go for walks, a long time after Kylie and I were friends, sometimes I used to go to that tree, in hopes that maybe she'd show up, because even after everything she did to me, I still missed her.

Jen-

I thought we were friends, boy was I wrong. She spread nasty rumors about me, never kept my secrets, kissed my crush in pre-k, stole my best friend more than once. Now I've realized something; if they were my best friends, she couldn't of stolen them. And because she did all those things, it means she was jealous, she wanted what I had. She was just downright evil, I would still hate her to this day but, I've given up on hate.*

I don't know why she hated me so much, I'd never done anything to her. And she didn't always hate me, sometimes we were friends, sometimes we weren't. And when we weren't friends we were enemies. I'm glad she's out of my life now.

*I've given up on hate.

True, I don't like Jen, Ella, or Kylie, but I don't hate them. I really don't hate anyone, I just dislike them. After all these years of Mother saying hate is a strong word, I finally get it. Hate IS a strong word, but that was why I was using it. Now, I don't care, why would I waste time hating them, when the mean nothing to me? I'd like to just forget they exist.

I've got friends now, friends who love me and care about me.

Friends who can't be stolen from me because I know they wouldn't leave. They've helped me so much to get better. I'm going to get out, out of depression, because I'm sick of it, sick of fake smiles, but thankful that my friends are the reason the smiles aren't always fake. I was/am depressed. Since sixth grade, but as I said, I'm getting better. 

You'd never know though, never know how much I hate myself for doing what I did, never know that I've been faking for so long I don't know what's real. I'm so cheerful, I'm the nice one, I'm pretty. I take those compliments, but I don't believe them, just remember, the scars you can't see hurt the most.

And if anyone one of you guys are reading this, thank you. Thank you for helping me get better without even knowing you did anything, I promise you one day, I'll get over this depression, 

one day I'll be like I was before I grew up, and I grew up way to fast, but that's okay, if I didn't, I wouldn't be me. And I love you, all of you. For teaching me how to laugh, love, live, and just be myself again. Without you guys I'd probably be locked up somewhere.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FlJYPBTyqU&feature=player_embedded

(^^ one of my favourite songs)

Anyways, thank you a thousand times for being there when I needed someone.

I love you.

So, I Think I Might Love You

I can't believe how easy it is to lie, it's much harder to tell the truth.
When somebody asks you "how are you?" they don't really want to know.
You just say, "I'm fine, and you?" but you don't care either.
Or do you? Are you one of the few that does care?
I don't think so, I don't think you give a shit.

Things you say, they hurt. I know you're joking, so I laugh, but they hurt.
People always say, sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.
But that's not true, words can hurt a lot.
The other day, you showed me a side of you I didn't think existed. 
You acted like a little kid, and it was adorable, you had me laughing so hard.
And those are the times I love, when you're making me laugh so hard I'm crying.

You're always making me smile too, you know how.
But every now and again you say something, and it brings me down.
You need to think, before you say things.
I've known you for so long, but right now we're closer than we've ever been.

I think you're pretty amazing.

I just hope you think the same thing about me.

I don't want to say it.
Don't want to say I'm in love.
Don't want to give you my heart just so you can break it.

So I'll just say this, I like you, a lot.

I've always sort of liked you, but now that we're sort of friends, I really like you.
And I wish I didn't like you, because I don't think you like me back.
I hate being a teenager, my stupid heart keeps falling for someone, even when my brain says no.
So please, just don't break my heart, it's had enough.
Because as much as I will try to deny it, I think I might be falling for you.

Until Your Heart Stops Beating.

They have no idea.

No idea at all.

The smallest things can hurt so much.

They can drive you to the edge,

To the point where you believe you exist only to feel to pain.

Because as long as you're here you can feel pain.

When you leave, 

So does the pain.

But what about the people that do have an idea.

They know how you feel.

They understand.

But most of all, 

They care.

They would never to  thing to hurt you.

All they want is for you not to feel pain.

They know when you're lying.

They can tell when you've got something on your mind.

If you leave,

They'll feel the pain.

But you don't hate.

Hate gets you nowhere.

So you love.

Because no matter how many times love gets your heart broken,

You can't stop.

You can't stop loving until your heart stops beating.

Things Change

We'll be friends forever
We'll go to university together
We'll be the most popular girls there
All three of us…
Somehow
Three became two
Two became one
New friends
New dreams
New life
We grew up
Time passes
Things change
People change
Hearts are broken
Friendships die
Promises aren't kept
People get upset
And we move on
We all just moved on
But inside of us
Somewhere deep inside
It's still there
Our promises
Our dreams
Our friendship
I watched you two walk away
One at a time
But I don't miss you now
I miss who you were then
But this is now
That was then
And whether we like it or not
There is nothing we can do
Because
Things change.

Boys Will Be Boys

Boys, ugh.
Sometimes I wish they didn't exist. Everyone says girls cause way more drama than boys, but really, that's not true at all. There's so much pressure to have a boyfriend these days, I mean seriously we're young teens it's not going to last.I don't see what the big deal is. Why is everyone so obsessed with dating? Well not everyone, not my friends. That's one of the reasons I love them so much. What exactly is dating anyways? I mean, I know what it is, but what do kids my age consider dating to be? Most teen's, like myself, aren't even allowed to date. So what do they do? Movies, Mall? Is that it? Oh, and of course going to the dances together. I don't consider that dating. Sure, people have movie dates, but that's not all they do. Sure, they go to the mall sometimes. But they also go on dinner dates, they go to places, and to each others houses. If it get's serious they introduce each other to their parents. Most teens who are "dating" don't even go anywhere. It's just an, I like you, you like me, let's go out, honeymoon phase, things are different now, get in a fight, we're over, kind of thing. That's not a relationship, I don't even know what to call that. I'm not looking for that. It's not like I don't get crushes, I'm human, of course I do. I just don't do anything about it, I mean I can't help but flirt a little, it's who I am, but I won't tell them I like them. If they ask me out,yeah, I'd probably say yes, but what's it matter, it won't last. I'm not going to go looking for a relationship. I'm happy being single, I'm way too young to even be THINKING about a relationship.

This Could be Heaven or It Could Be Hell

 People say that when you die if you’ve been good you go to heaven, and if you’ve been bad you go to hell. That’s a lie. There is only heaven. People who have been bad, they are reincarnated, born again. Here, alive, this is hell. All the problems, and the waiting. Not knowing when your time here is up. Going to sleep without knowing you’ll wake up the next day. The heartbreak, the tears, the wounds. There’s no terrible dark place beneath us. That place is here, so when you’ve lived a bad life, and you’ve purposely hurt many others, you're sent back to go through it all again, but you don’t remember your past life. That's my opinion. But, I might not be right. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

 If you live a good life, help others around you, and never commit a sin you’ll go to heaven. If you’re a terrible person, you have not a care for others, and committing sins is like breathing, then you’ll go to hell.

There are so many different opinions, but we have no way of knowing, until we’re there. Wherever there is.

Death

Being a teenager means different things for different people. When you think about being a teenager most people think, staying out late, dating, texting, sneaking out, and counting the days until you’re old enough to drive. But for some people being a teenager is like being in hell. You’re not allowed to date, you don’t have a phone, and you always have a curfew even in the summer. Who cares about driving when you’re not gonna get a car? You aren’t allowed to live your own life. You’re bullied, because you’re different. You always feel like no one loves you. People like that spend every minute of everyday, waiting. They count the seconds until they’re finally old enough to leave and they can be out of whatever place they’re in. Sometimes you can’t always tell who these people are. Most of them paste a fake smile on their face everyday so you’d never know the difference. But the ones that don’t bother to pretend, you can see easily. Even the ones that pretend, sometimes still give signs. But no one cares, until they’re gone. Whether you know they’re miserable or not mostly everyone who feels like this turn to things they know are wrong. It feel’s like an escape, something that’s yours and yours only. And as much as it hurts you or will hurt you later, the escape is worth it. And eventually you’re addicted to whatever it is you’ve turned to. Cutting,drugs,alcohol. You start to believe that maybe it isn’t wrong. How can it be wrong when it feels so right? And then it takes over your life. You can’t stop, you just can’t. And you’re back at where you started. You have something that controls your life. Except this time it’s possible to get over it. You just need to find another escape, a good one this time, and one that won’t hurt you. And some people do, they turn their lives around, and that is a very hard thing to do. But the others, they take the hard way out or I guess you could call it the easy way, it really depends on your point of view. Death.

Smart

Common Sense. It stops us from doing stupid things. You have to be smart enough to know when to stop talking. There are some things you just don’t bring up. You don’t always need to tell the truth. I know these things, but it took me 13 years to get here. I’ve tried to help my sisters. I never had anyone tell me what not to do, how to survive middle school, what its like to be a teenager. But my sisters have me, if only they’d listen. I have a feeling at least one of them, is going to end up like I did. Depressed, lonely, and in pain, broken hearted, feeling like a lost soul. I give them advice, I know how the situations they're in are going to work, but they refuse to listen to what I have to say. There's nothing else I can do except wait for them to get smart.

Don Aker

So today in English Class, I met an author. Don Aker. Some of the books he's written are, "Of Things Not Seen", "One on One", "The Space Between", "Stranger at Bay", "The Grooming Ground", and one of his more popular books, "The First Stone."

We're reading this book in class right now and I have to say, it's amazing. Every chapter ends on a cliff hanger, it leaves you wanting to read more. He said he wouldn't write a sequel to it, but he finally did, it's called "The Fifth Rule."

Don Aker is a great author, if you want to know more about him, google him.

The coolest thing about this book, is that it's set in Halifax. That's a really small town in Nova Scotia, Canada, and Don himself is from a place not to far from there. Basically all the books I read have authors from the States or England. But Don is from Canada.

Something really funny he showed us was the cover of his book, "Stranger At Bay."

He said to us, "This book only sold 12 copies last year, and I think it's because of how terrible the cover is, I hate it."

He said that when he wrote this book, he was just a new author so he didn't have any say in his covers.

Don said that when he got his ten free copies of the book, his daughter walked in, picked up a book, sighed and said, "Dad, this guy has huge nipples." I found that kind of funny.

He also mentioned that the author must not have read his book, because the character on the cover is the main character, but the main character has long hair that comes down to his eyes.

Don Aker's Tips About Writing

-If you want to be an author try to write a little bit everyday.

-Write about what you know.

-The three main things you need to write  book,

1.Pick a Main Character.

2.Figure out what they want more than anything.

3.As the author, it's your job to keep them from getting it.

So all in all, Don Aker is an amazing writer and if you're ever in a book store, pick up one of his books.

Secrets.

Nobody know's what you're hiding. It's something they have no way to ever know, inside your head.
Everybody has secrets, it's normal.

 But some people, feel the need to tell others. There is nothing wrong with that. But when you have nobody to tell, then what?
I've tried a lot of things. Keeping everything bottled up inside. Letting everything out. Having some secrets, telling some people things. Nothing seems to work.
Sometimes, you find a solution.There's that one person, who won't judge you no matter what you tell them, they give you advice, and they care about you. A lot.
But if you're me, when you find that person, you're stupid, and you let them go.
Learn from your mistakes.....

I know this was kind of short, but that's all I have to say.