Goodbye Forever

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I did. I tried, and I tried and I tried. 

But I'm not getting anywhere.

I can't take any more failures, I just can't. 

I have to live in reality, not some fantasy world.

I'm never going to be a singer, I'm not good enough.

I've tried out for my last musical.

I wasn't Sharpay, Taylor, Gabriella, or even Kelsey in HSM.

I wasn't Grace, Annie, or even one of the other orphans in Annie.

I wasn't anywhere close to being Jasmine, or one of the narrators in Aladdin.

I didn't even make it through the first round of Karaoke Star Jr. or The Next Star.

The only time I ever place first in the music festival is when I'm the only one in my category. 

I still truly believe that I can write lyrics, no one can take that away from me.

But I guess now I just won't be the one singing my songs.

I've been contemplating whether or not to quit voice lessons.

This is my fifth year doing them.

I've decided now. Not only will I give up voice lessons, I'm giving up singing altogether.

I'll be in highschool next year and it'll give me more time to concentrate on my studies anyways. I'm not going to stop singing, I'm just going to stop trying to be a singer. No more TV contests, recitals, music festivals, voice lessons, being in musicals, and I won't take vocals next year in high-school like I planned to. No more singing in front of people. The only person who will hear me sing, is me.

Now that I know singing won't get me through life I have to realize I can't count on writing either.

I still want to be an author, but I need a back up plan.

I'm thinking I'll be an ELA Professor or Teacher, a Therapist, or a Lawyer.

Back on track, "if at first you don't succeed, try try again" is all well and good but, if trying again breaks your heart, soul, and spirit every time, then give up.

If I keep trying, one day I'll finally break, and I don't want that.

I'm not a quitter. So even though in this musical, Guys and Dolls, I didn't get Adelaide or Sarah, I should stick with it, I'll probably end up quitting though. I'll have to finish this year's voice lessons, they're already paid for. But come next year, I'm done.

Two other girls got Adelaide and Sarah. If there two girls in my school , population less than 400 who are better at singing then me (and there's probably other girls in my school who are better too) then imagine how many there are in the whole world. I don't want to know.

Yeah, I'm upset, but I'll get over it. I don't think I could get over another failure.

It's time to let this wild dream go, as much as I may want to hold onto it.

R.I.P. MY SINGING VOICE

you had more lovers than haters,

always remember that.

I'll miss you, take care.

History - Chapter 1 - Baby

My parents were always busy.

I'm not lying when I say my grandmother basically raised me.

I was born in Whitby, Ontario.

About 8 months after I was born, my grandfather had a heart attack.

My parents, who were in the process of buying a house, (we lived in a condo) dropped everything, packed up, and moved here.

My grandfather, was very sick. I didn't know this until much much later but, he had some sort of sickness back when he lived in India and the doctors there didn't cure it right I guess. It caused him to have a lot of kidney problems later, which resulted in him needing dialysis. Also, he was bi-polar, I honestly didn't know until he died, and I was 12 when that happened.

Anyways, once we moved here, we moved in with my grandparents, and my aunt Amy, she still lived with my grandparents because she had mild Autism and therefor she was unable to live the life of a normal person her age. (I think she was in her twenties when we moved here)

Eventually, with my sister on the way, my parents decided to buy a house of our own.

I was probably at my grandmothers house more than I was at my own though.

My grandmother taught me how to ride a bike, took me to get my ears pierced, got me over my baby soother sucking habit, was the first one to know when I got my period, she even potty trained me.

It wasn't just me, when my two younger sisters came along, she did the same for them too.

I always felt kind of abandoned by my parents.

There wasn't really too much from my time as a baby/toddler that still bothers me except for that.

So that concludes chapter 1 of my life.

Through The Light

It's time.

It's time I let go of who I used to be.

Of the people who've hurt me.

Of everything I've been through.

And today I start. 

Today I start, and who knows when I'll stop? It could take days, weeks, months, years, for me to finish.

But if I don't start, I'll never finish.

I'll be honest, because what do I really have to lose?

This is an attempt to stop myself from feeling suicidal. 

Yeah, that's right. 

Everybody thinks I'm the happy one. They say I'm smart, funny, happy, stylish, rich,I have it all. 

That's because it's easier to hide when everyone thinks you're okay. 

It's so much easier to stand out and get noticed and seem happy because no one would ever guess that on the inside, I want to die.
There. I said it.  I  W A N T  T O  D I E .

Sometimes, I just start crying. I guess you could say it's for no reason, but it's not.

It's because I'm thinking. 

I want to be more like the girl everyone thinks I am, I guess I figured if I pretended for long enough, I'd start to believe it too.

And for a little while, I think I did. 

But, I want to be happy for real.

I keep trying, I really do.

I even got a therapist for a while.

She believed the fake happiness too, which is sad because, she's paid to know that really I'm depressed.

Anyways, I want my chance to pass through the light.

To leave my true identity behind for good.

That's why I changed my name, my persona.

Sierra Starr is the girl I've always wanted to be, that's why I use that name. 

It represents the person I can and will become. 

It's more than just a name, it's a personality.

So today I will start a new chapter.

I will write part one of my life, my story, my history.

I will write and write until everything that ever hurt me is exposed.

 "With determination and purpose, I will head into the light."