Laughter

Sometimes I get to thinking about my life and I just laugh. Because I'm so fucking screwed up and broken and no one even has the slightest clue and its kind of funny.

What Would It Take To Get You

It happens eventually. The girl who never gets the guy, finally gets a guy.
Except the way it happened for me, I didn't exactly get him.
Because of course, of course he'd live a little over an hour away.
And of course his last relationship would have been a long distance one that ended with her leaving him for someone else.
So he didn't want to do long distance again, friends with benefits he'd said.
Ask me why I agreed to that.
Yeah, I don't know either.
But hey, it was all going okay.
Until a few days ago, 3 I think.
He mentioned that he'd seen his ex that day.
Then he said "God...I keep forgetting how beautiful she is."
Yeah. Yeah okay. Just because we're not dating, doesn't mean there aren't rules.
What makes you think I'm okay with you saying things like that?
Are you trying to make me feel like a worthless slut?
Because you're doing a damn good job you asshole.
Of course I didn't answer. What the hell would I say to that?
So when he said he was going to sleep and that he would text me tomorrow, I was relieved.
Tomorrow passed, no text.
The day after that, no text.
Today, still no text.
But. But a few minutes ago comes a snapchat, a picture of him, shirtless, his hair spiked up a bit like it was when I told him it looked good with the caption "feeling playful". 
And it makes me wonder how many girls he sent that picture to.
And the fact that I care tells me that I can't do this.
I can't do friends with benefits.
Yeah, I told him I don't do relationships, but you know what else I don't do?
My math homework. So maybe there are some things that I should be doing.
And I don't just mean my math homework, although I really do have to start doing that.
Am I in love with him?
No. I'm not, there was a time when I thought that I could be, in the future, but now...I can only see that ending badly.
It wasn't just that he talked up his ex or just that he said he would text me tomorrow and it's been three days and still no text. It's both of those things.
It's all of the little asshole moves that I've been trying to ignore because finally somebody wants me. Somebody who I'm actually attracted to wants me.
There have been guys in the past, very few mind you, but they didn't say the things he says, they didn't make me feel the way he does.
But then... he goes from making me feel wanted to making me feel like I'm not good enough.
And it's hard for me to let go of him because of the good times.
But the bad times are bad enough that I know this would be the best decision for me. 
I made a promise to my best friend that I wouldn't let this guy get into a place where he could hurt me.
And I'm breaking it, it's nearly broken.
And I've already been broken enough times, I'm already emotionally damaged enough.
I think what did it for me, what made me realize that this isn't what I want is that we had friends down from out west last week. One of them, he's my age, bought a necklace for his girlfriend. He showed me it, and asked my opinion, he wanted to know if I thought she'd like it.
And I thought, wow. I wish there was a guy who cared about me enough to do that. 
And maybe there is. Hell, maybe he's out there right now talking to some girl who doesn't want him enough to date him and he's wishing that someone actually cared about him.
If I don't let go of this guy who I know is bad for me, I'll never find the guy who will go away on vacation and miss me. Because I don't need a necklace, I need love. 

Too Late To Apologize

She wants me to apologize.
To take back what I said because she "knows" I didn't mean it.
She doesn't know why I said it, says she couldn't think of any reasons.
Says someone has to have done something extremely awful to deserve those words.
Says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
She's wrong.
I meant it.
I feel it.
It consumes every fibre of my being and in fact it's the only reason I'm still living.
Payback. Revenge. One day I'll get it.
That was just a trigger, this morning, I wasn't mad about that, I was mad about the past, about everything.

Is driving someone to take a blade to their skin awful enough?
Is driving someone to place a piece of burning metal on their flesh awful enough?
What about driving someone to shove their finger down their throat?
Or maybe, maybe driving someone to write countless notes that start with don't look because by the time you find me I'll be dead awful enough?
And if it's not, is the fact that I have planned out so many different times and ways and places to leave and never come back awful enough? 

She says she knows me and there's no way I meant that.
There's one flaw, she doesn't know me. She knows the me I want her to know, the me everybody else knows.
There is only one person who knows the truth, me. 
I'll never tell and she'll never know just how wrong she is.

She wants me to apologize.
Maybe I will, but it won't change, can't change how I really feel.
We're far past the point where we could have fixed this problem.

I said "I hate you" to the man I am forced to call my father, and I have never meant anything so much.

Kill Me Softly

Today I remembered that most people are incapable of keeping promises and they're bound to let you down. I remembered what it felt like to want so badly to just explode, and then have to find another way to get your feelings out. But you see I found that way about four years ago. And every year my secret New Years Resolution is to not go back to that place where I've spent too much time in these past four years. So here's to next year, because this year has already been ruined too many times. 



I think maybe a small part of me knows. Knows that this is an addiction and I'm going to need some serious help to get over it but, no one sees. I've blinded them with smiles and fun and parties and nice clothes. They used to be suspicious, four years ago, because of the way I looked and acted back then, but what they don't know is that is still who I am, she's just hiding behind layer upon layer of fake and she only comes out when I'm alone.
And she's dangerous, mostly just to me but who knows how far she'd be willing to go.
Slowly but surely she's coming back, she's taking over my life again.
She's killing me softly. 

Sweet Sixteen

Was it weird that it happened today? 
My day started and ended with him. It was the first time, and I think that I don't want it to be the last.
Maybe before I wasn't sure what this was, these feelings, but then I saw him standing outside my classroom as I rushed to the bus and I couldn't help but wish he was standing out there waiting for me.
Him.
It would be easier for me if he wasn't everything I said I'd wanted, easier still if he was with someone else.
But he's not. And the fact that I have a chance, no matter how small, continues to drive me insane.
And then I find out things like maybe there was this girl he liked before he was taken, and maybe he thought she liked him too and maybe now that he's not taken he still likes her, and maybe she was me. And the only real maybe is the last one because how am I to know? 
There are so many possibilities, so many girls it could have been and how am I to know that it was me?
Because maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'm going to get my heart broken all over again.
But maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'll have to suffer a million heartbreaks before I find someone willing to pick me up of the ground and put the pieces back together again.
Maybe it will be him, and maybe it won't.
But I can't help wonder, was it weird that it happened today?

Dazed & Confused

And when my laptop battery hits the red zone, 20%, for what feels like the 100th time just this week I'm thinking hey didn't I just charge it? But then again maybe I didn't. Because it's midnight even though the last time I looked at the clock it was 10:30. Because one more story about love and lust and a perfect relationship like I'll never have turned into 20 more. Because that homework I was going to do never got done and even though I promised myself that tonight things would be different they weren't. I'm hopeless. I'm just a mess. And tomorrow will be another day. Just another day of waking up late because I didn't get any sleep and rushing to get ready and not eating breakfast because I didn't have time and forgetting whatever it was I needed to remember and then trying not to fall asleep in class as my stomach growls because I haven't eaten since supper time last night then running around at lunch talking to teachers because despite my inability to do homework at home I care about my grades and then doing that homework I didn't do last night when I was supposed to then taking the bus home even though I hate the bus because I can't drive yet and even if I could I don't have a car and then staying as long as supper but going out after that and not coming home until it's as late as possible because I don't want to be around my family any longer than I have to be and then coming home and sleeping until lunchtime because it's finally the weekend. It's just a circle, a continuos cycle, and I'm just dazed and confused.