End Of The Line

It's always worse when you don't see it coming.

Things are great, you're on the phone everyday after school, chatting about the latest gossip. You know each others crushes, you know each others REAL opinions of well, pretty much everyone. She's the one person you feel like you can tell everything to, because you know she won't judge you. You hangout as much as possible, sleepovers, shopping, movies, and just having fun together. She's there for you and she knows you're there for her, even at 3am. She's your best friend forever, and you love her to death.
So obviously it's a shock when one day you're alone, thinking about life, and you realize, you're not best friends anymore. You haven't hung-out in months, the hours you used to spend on the phone have turned into a text or two every once in a while, you barely even talk or see each other anymore except for the occasional "hey" exchanged when you pass each other in the hallways at school. And then you see her with another girl, doing all the things you two used to do together, and it's worse than if your boyfriend had broken up with you and done this with his next girlfriend. Why? Because she wasn't your boyfriend, she was something much more important, your best friend forever. But it seems forever has come to an end. Naturally, you're upset. You don't understand how this happened, how you didn't see it coming. You miss her, and you can't help wonder if she misses you too. You almost wish that you'd gotten into a fight with her, because at least then there would be a reason for why you're not friends anymore. You go on with your life, it's not like you don't have other friends. Then one day you're going through some of your old stuff and you find something from a couple years back that makes you remember her. It's a weird feeling, because you completely forgot about a lot of things that happened to you two, you forgot about a lot of things you did together, but now all the memories of your friendship come rushing back. And you miss her even more than you did when you realized your friendship was over.
This could go 3 ways.
1. You decide to make something happen. You miss your best friend and you want her back. You call her, text her, or maybe just find her at school and talk to her. You tell her you miss her, and you don't have any idea why you're not friends anymore. She feels the same way, you guys start hanging out again. You're back, and it's you two until the end.
2. You do the same things you did in the first way, except she doesn't miss you. She's got better friends, she doesn't need you in her life. You're upset, but you tell yourself that if she doesn't want you, she doesn't deserve you. You move on and eventually you forget about her. Your friendship becomes a little memory stuck somewhere in the back of your mind that only pops up every once in a while.
3. Also known as, how it usually happens. You don't do anything. Why should you have to? Weren't you her best friend too? Shouldn't she be the one to come to you? The flaw in that logic is what if she feels the same way. You both miss each other, but you're waiting for the other to make a move and so no one ever does. Life goes on, you meet new people, make new best friends, but you'll never forget each other. To you, she's always going to hold a special place in your heart and your mind and you'll do the same in hers. Years later you'll both wonder where the other is, how they're doing, and most of all, you'll regret not making an effort to keep your friendship alive.

It's always worse when you don't see it coming.

But know that I think about it, maybe I did see it coming. Maybe I knew all along that we were slowly drifting apart and her now new best friend was coming in between us. Maybe I just didn't want to believe it. That's the problem with living in denial, eventually, the things you tried so hard to convince yourself weren't really happening, happen. 

Looking back on things, I still can't figure out where we went wrong. One day, we were best friends, then a few years later, we weren't. I guess sometimes you just don't realize what's happening until it's over. 
And I could blame. I could blame highschool, I could blame her, I could blame boys, I could blame a whole bunch of people but what's the point? It's not going to bring our friendship back.

So I guess that's it, we're not best friends anymore, this is the end of our line. 

I Don't Wanna Be In Love

Tell me what love is.
If I'm too young to be feeling it then tell me how old I have to be.
And tell me why.
Why do I feel like this?
And if this isn't love then tell me what it is?
And last of all, TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I'm 15. I want to have fun and try new things and just be crazy. (And get good grades because yes, I care about school) I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE!
Well, technically, I'm not in love.
I'm in something worse. Way, way, waaaaayyyyy worse.
And it is called... drumroll please!
Unrequited love.
I am in unrequited love.
With a boy I've known my entire life who lives on the other side of the country I live in. 
A boy who yes, cares about me, but not like I want him too.
A boy who I never thought would like me back, but for some odd reason, 3 years ago I decided to tell him I liked him.
I was right though, he didn't like me back.
What bothers me most about that, is that he never directly said, "I don't feel the same way."
I just said, "Please don't hate me." or something like that and he said something like, "It's okay, you can't control who you like."
Anyways, none of that even matters, what matter is that he will never like me back.
Okay, well, not never, but, there's a 99% chance he will never like me back.
But I'm a teenage girl, I have the heart and mind of a teenage girl.
My mind is telling me "Get over him. He doesn't want you? Then he doesn't deserve you."
But my heart is telling me "Girl, there's a 1% chance, that's all you need, as long as you got a chance, no matter how small, it's still a chance. You just need to show him how great you are! You've changed a lot since the last time you saw him."
And the problem is, I don't know which one to go with.
Okay well, that's not true. 
Normally, I always go with my heart, but, in this case, I WANT to go with my brain.
BUT I CAN'T GET OVER HIM. HE'S JUST SO PERFECT. AHHHH.

I guess, it's better that he doesn't live here, because sometimes I'm able to push him out of my mind for a bit because I don't see him or hear from him very often. But he always creeps back in there.

I've been that girl who spent days upon days (years upon years actually) obsessing and crying over a guy. And I wish I hadn't. I've wasted so much time on boys and I'm not going to waste anymore. This year is about me. And making my relationships with my girlfriends stronger because they're more important to me than any boy could ever be.

I just, needed to accept the fact that I still have feelings for Asher.
And I know, that if he were to tell me he liked me.
I'd do the long distance relationship thing in a heart beat.
Because I trust him completely and fully and even though I only see him every 4 years (if I'm lucky) it'd be worth it. It'd be worth it for him. 

So, I'm going to stop pretending that I'm over him. I've had this crush for 7 years and it's not going away anytime soon so I'm just going to embrace it and try to move on with my life. I think another reason for my rule where I'm not allowing myself to date this year (well, until I turn 16) is because it's not really fair to other guys for me to date them when I obviously like Asher more.
But hey, if I find a guy who I like more than Asher that likes me too, well hallelujah!

But for now, I'll just stick to not wanting to be in love.


 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Holy Shit I'm Aging

Birthday's.
Everyone has one, whether they celebrate it or not.
When my next birthday rolls around I'll be 16 years of age. I've wanted to be sixteen ever since I understood what birthdays were. Maybe because I'll be able to drive. Maybe because it's my golden birthday. OR maybe because of how glamorous being sixteen appears to be. Y'know, those sweet sixteen parties with mansions and famous bands and tons of people and your parents give you a car. A few years ago I realized that, I don't live in a mansion, and I don't know any famous bands, (I did meet Stereos though!! <3) I have a lot of friends, but not hundreds like you see on TV and the only way I'm getting a car is if I get honours with distinction in school. Even though that fantasy is gone, for some reason being 16 is an EXTREMELY big deal to me. It IS my golden birthday and I WILL be able to finally get my drivers license, if I ever get around to reading the drivers manual.
Now of course, like most teenagers, I have a slight fear of aging. And when I say slight I mean...  I DON'T WANT TO BE OLD AND FAT AND WRINKLY AND NOT BE ABLE TO WALK WITHOUT A CANE. I DON'T WANT TO GET A JOB AND HAVE TO PAY BILLS. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT POLITICS AND THE ECONOMY. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO STOP ACTING LIKE A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M IMMATURE. I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE OLD. I would have said I don't want to stop watching family channel and spongebob and scooby-doo and such but I'm still going to do that no matter how old I am.
But ohwell, getting old is inevitable so why waste my youth worrying about it? Might as well enjoy it while I can.

Reasons

Maybe this is what I need.
Maybe it will help.
Maybe it won't help at all.
Who knows? I might as well try, right?

12 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Kill Myself

1. I'll never be able to prove to my parents that they suck at parenting.
2. Molly would have no one to complain about Michael too. Well, she'd have Gretta, but, I think I understand better.
3. I'll never know what a kiss feels like.
4. I'll never fall in love.
5. I'll never figure out what career I want.
6. I'll never figure out if I want to get married and have kids.
7. I'll never go to highschool.
8. I'll never go to university.
9. Lissa would be alone again, she'd have no one to hangout with at school and on that trip.
10. I'll never slow dance with a guy.
11. If I kill myself, I might find out that nobody actually cared about me.
12. I don't want to die.

12 Reasons Why I Should Kill Myself

1. My parents don't know how to raise children properly.
2. I hate that I do so much for some of my friends and I'm always there when they need me and when I need them they're nowhere to be found.
3. My family would be better off without me.
4. I'll fall in 'love', but I'll never be loved back.
5. I don't know what career I want.
6. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
7. I'm scared of growing up.
8. Nobody understands me.
9. I would never have to hear about how ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, I am again.
10. My friends and family would finally see how much I do for them, because I wouldn't be there to do it.
11. I can finally be free. Free from hatred and worry and people who hurt me.
12.  I want to die.

So maybe that helped, maybe it didn't. I'm not going to kill myself yet, if I do decide to, I'll let you know. I want to be able to say I made it through this, but sometimes it just get's too hard.

Lock Me Up, I'm Crazy

Read the title.

It's true.

I swear, I'm insane.

My thoughts don't make sense half the time, sometimes random ones will pop into my head and they just don't make sense.

You know what I was doing at midnight last night?

I was lying on my bed listening to Kanye West and dancing. I would close my eyes and I'd be in a club, dancing like a crazy ass motherfucker. 

I talk to myself. Out loud. All the time.

I think people are watching me. I pretend I don't know they're watching me and then I remember that no one's actually watching me. So in reality, I was pretending that someone was watching me.

I feel lifeless sometimes. I just, can't feel any emotions and I get really confused about everything.

I make up scenarios where I'm with people and doing things and I act them out like they're real.

They're not.

I'm crazy.

P L E A S E  H E L P  M E .

bFfLz

What's worse?
Being alone , or being surrounded by people who make you feel lonely?
Technically, I have a huge group of friends. I invited more than 20 people to my birthday party and most of them came. And the ones that couldn't come complained about how they couldn't come and wished they could. I'm not bragging, quite the opposite actually. How is it that I have so many friends, yet I constantly feel alone? Out of all these "friends" there are only a few that I actually consider to be my friends. And out of those girls, there's not a single one that's been there for me 100% of the time. That's not all their fault though, I lost touch with a few of them. Casey is one of my best friends but we don't talk for months sometimes. Dani and I actually lost touch for a year I think, and we don't talk very often, but I love her to death. Lily and Bea, well, we definitely hangout a lot more than I do with the other girls but sometimes I feel like Bea wouldn't really care if I never talked to her again. Then there's Lilith Fair, I didn't like her at all in seventh grade but now it seems like we're best friends. She's kind of odd, I barely know anything about her but we hungout almost everyday of 9th grade. Lastly, Carley and Molly. I'll start with Carley, last year, we were such great friends, then Gert and I got in a huge fight and Carley was kind of the cause of it. Carley and I were rocky for the beginning of this year, we've gotten better but we're still nowhere near as close as we were last year. I miss her, I really do. Molly. I'm there for her 24/7. She comes to me with all of her problems and I help her. I can read that girl like a book. I know how she feels about something before she does sometimes. But... I feel like she's never there for me, like I do all this for her and she doesn't do much for me. I just feel like I'm being her best friend and she's not treating me like a best friend should, unless she has problem. All I ever wanted in life was a best friend. A best friend who I could just be myself around, who was always there for me, who understood me, who never judged me, and I would do the same for her. I just want someone who will be that for me, like I've been doing for so many other people. Does that make sense? I feel like, I play the role of best friend to a lot of people but no one is my best friend. I just hate this feeling of aloneness. Why can't I be normal? WHY?


 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Shrinking Violet

You know that feeling? The one where you realize you've done something wrong but it's now too late to fix it? I thought I did but then I realized, it's never too late to fix it. So please, for your own sake, try, or you'll live your whole life regretting it.