Confessions

I truly believe there is something wrong with me. Everyone is getting a boyfriend or a prom date and I'm left alone to wonder why I can't be loved. I must be ugly. There must be something wrong with me. I just wish I knew what it was. Do I have a sign on my back that says "Don't love me" or something ?

Confessions

Whenever I'm feeling sad or lonely I read romance novels or fan fiction. It somehow makes me feel better to read about other people's love.

Confessions

I spent my whole life being afraid of my father. Being scared of him was always a little bit combined with being sad because I never got to have a good relationship with my Dad. Over the years those feelings have developed into anger. Anger that he treats me the way he does and there's nothing I can do about it. Yeah, I'm still somewhat scared of him, but the anger is much, much stronger.

Dear Whoever Cares

Okay so, instead of writing the history of my life from start to finish. I have decided to write little confessions about my life. Starting today, and I will keep going until I feel that I have let go of all the pain and hurt.

Say That You Love Me

No matter how many times I say that I don't want a boyfriend, it'll never be true.

My excuses are true, I am too busy for a relationship.

But that doesn't matter, I want lust, I want love, I want romance.

I want walks along the beach in the moonlight.

I want movie dates where we talk so much we get kicked out.

I want to hold hands in public so everyone can see we're together.

I want to hide my eyes on your chest while we watch scary movies.

I want your lips pressing against mine.

I want always and forever.

Maybe it's true that I'm not ready for that.

It doesn't matter, no one wants that with me.

It doesn't matter, there's no one ready and willing to give me that.

No boy would ever do any of that with me.

I don't for sure that no boy would ever want me like that, want me like I want you.

That's exactly why it doesn't matter. 

I'm never going to want anyone besides you. 

Believe me baby, I've tried.

I've liked other guys, other guys have liked me.

Hell, I even tried dating someone else.

He was so sweet, treated me so well, but he just wasn't you.

I'm never going to be happy with another boy.

I think I've known that for a while now, I'm just finally ready to admit it.

I'm that girl, in love with a boy who could never love her back.

Sure, it's easier to deal with your rejection when you live on the other side of the country, but that's only because you can't see the tears.

You didn't see me fall asleep crying the day you told me you didn't feel the same way.

You didn't see the cuts on my arm the day you told me you had a girlfriend.

You don't know how much it hurts when you tell me you love other girls, when you tell me about all the sweet things you've done with them.

I'm done trying to move on, because I never will.

It's been nearly 6 years since I realized I liked you.

I'll just have to be content with loneliness.

The worst part is, even if you did feel the same way, it could never work.

It's not even the fact that we'd have a long-distance relationship, you've done that before, and I could handle it because I'd do anything to be with you.

It's religion. That's why I don't believe in god.

If you ever felt the same way, you'd have to give up your religion to be with me, and I don't think you'd do that for me.

Why don't I think you'd do that ?

Simple. Because I'm willing do to anything for you except convert my religion to yours, because I don't believe in it. I'm not very religious but I just couldn't do something like that.

So there you have it, another love note that you'll never see. My unrequited love for you feels like it well never fade, but I can hope, and I can dream, that one fateful day I'll meet someone, someone who'll love me enough that they'll make see you're not worth it. But if that doesn't happen...

I will always love you, until the day I die, and probably even after that.

Goodbye Forever

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I did. I tried, and I tried and I tried. 

But I'm not getting anywhere.

I can't take any more failures, I just can't. 

I have to live in reality, not some fantasy world.

I'm never going to be a singer, I'm not good enough.

I've tried out for my last musical.

I wasn't Sharpay, Taylor, Gabriella, or even Kelsey in HSM.

I wasn't Grace, Annie, or even one of the other orphans in Annie.

I wasn't anywhere close to being Jasmine, or one of the narrators in Aladdin.

I didn't even make it through the first round of Karaoke Star Jr. or The Next Star.

The only time I ever place first in the music festival is when I'm the only one in my category. 

I still truly believe that I can write lyrics, no one can take that away from me.

But I guess now I just won't be the one singing my songs.

I've been contemplating whether or not to quit voice lessons.

This is my fifth year doing them.

I've decided now. Not only will I give up voice lessons, I'm giving up singing altogether.

I'll be in highschool next year and it'll give me more time to concentrate on my studies anyways. I'm not going to stop singing, I'm just going to stop trying to be a singer. No more TV contests, recitals, music festivals, voice lessons, being in musicals, and I won't take vocals next year in high-school like I planned to. No more singing in front of people. The only person who will hear me sing, is me.

Now that I know singing won't get me through life I have to realize I can't count on writing either.

I still want to be an author, but I need a back up plan.

I'm thinking I'll be an ELA Professor or Teacher, a Therapist, or a Lawyer.

Back on track, "if at first you don't succeed, try try again" is all well and good but, if trying again breaks your heart, soul, and spirit every time, then give up.

If I keep trying, one day I'll finally break, and I don't want that.

I'm not a quitter. So even though in this musical, Guys and Dolls, I didn't get Adelaide or Sarah, I should stick with it, I'll probably end up quitting though. I'll have to finish this year's voice lessons, they're already paid for. But come next year, I'm done.

Two other girls got Adelaide and Sarah. If there two girls in my school , population less than 400 who are better at singing then me (and there's probably other girls in my school who are better too) then imagine how many there are in the whole world. I don't want to know.

Yeah, I'm upset, but I'll get over it. I don't think I could get over another failure.

It's time to let this wild dream go, as much as I may want to hold onto it.

R.I.P. MY SINGING VOICE

you had more lovers than haters,

always remember that.

I'll miss you, take care.

History - Chapter 1 - Baby

My parents were always busy.

I'm not lying when I say my grandmother basically raised me.

I was born in Whitby, Ontario.

About 8 months after I was born, my grandfather had a heart attack.

My parents, who were in the process of buying a house, (we lived in a condo) dropped everything, packed up, and moved here.

My grandfather, was very sick. I didn't know this until much much later but, he had some sort of sickness back when he lived in India and the doctors there didn't cure it right I guess. It caused him to have a lot of kidney problems later, which resulted in him needing dialysis. Also, he was bi-polar, I honestly didn't know until he died, and I was 12 when that happened.

Anyways, once we moved here, we moved in with my grandparents, and my aunt Amy, she still lived with my grandparents because she had mild Autism and therefor she was unable to live the life of a normal person her age. (I think she was in her twenties when we moved here)

Eventually, with my sister on the way, my parents decided to buy a house of our own.

I was probably at my grandmothers house more than I was at my own though.

My grandmother taught me how to ride a bike, took me to get my ears pierced, got me over my baby soother sucking habit, was the first one to know when I got my period, she even potty trained me.

It wasn't just me, when my two younger sisters came along, she did the same for them too.

I always felt kind of abandoned by my parents.

There wasn't really too much from my time as a baby/toddler that still bothers me except for that.

So that concludes chapter 1 of my life.