Through The Light

It's time.

It's time I let go of who I used to be.

Of the people who've hurt me.

Of everything I've been through.

And today I start. 

Today I start, and who knows when I'll stop? It could take days, weeks, months, years, for me to finish.

But if I don't start, I'll never finish.

I'll be honest, because what do I really have to lose?

This is an attempt to stop myself from feeling suicidal. 

Yeah, that's right. 

Everybody thinks I'm the happy one. They say I'm smart, funny, happy, stylish, rich,I have it all. 

That's because it's easier to hide when everyone thinks you're okay. 

It's so much easier to stand out and get noticed and seem happy because no one would ever guess that on the inside, I want to die.
There. I said it.  I  W A N T  T O  D I E .

Sometimes, I just start crying. I guess you could say it's for no reason, but it's not.

It's because I'm thinking. 

I want to be more like the girl everyone thinks I am, I guess I figured if I pretended for long enough, I'd start to believe it too.

And for a little while, I think I did. 

But, I want to be happy for real.

I keep trying, I really do.

I even got a therapist for a while.

She believed the fake happiness too, which is sad because, she's paid to know that really I'm depressed.

Anyways, I want my chance to pass through the light.

To leave my true identity behind for good.

That's why I changed my name, my persona.

Sierra Starr is the girl I've always wanted to be, that's why I use that name. 

It represents the person I can and will become. 

It's more than just a name, it's a personality.

So today I will start a new chapter.

I will write part one of my life, my story, my history.

I will write and write until everything that ever hurt me is exposed.

 "With determination and purpose, I will head into the light."

Boys Boys Boys ( Part 1 )

"Don't play guitar to impress somebody... unless that somebody is really hot." - Brad Paisley

Okay so, in case you haven't guessed, dear readers, I have decided that I will start and end each post with a quote. This quote may or may not have any relevance to what it is I write about in the post.
This one does. My friend, Max, is reading this book that had this quote in it. He showed it to me during reading period and I thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Since we're talking about Max I might as well tell you that it's possible I have a crush on him. He thinks I like this other guy, Cade Which is partially true, I mean I do sort of like him. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell Max or Cade how I feel, so it doesn't really even matter.
I just wish that something would go right.
Most of my friends right now, either have a boyfriend or are in that "I WANT A BOYFRIEND SOOOOO BAD" stage. Honestly, I still think I'm too young to have a relationship. I don't think I could handle it. I mean, with school, there comes homework and studying, and I'm a straight A student and I'm involved in so many extra-curricular activities that, I wouldn't even have time for that. I barely have time to hangout with my friends! That's only one reason. If you read any of my other posts, you'll have a basic idea of what kind of a person I am. I have trust issues. ( See: Little White Lies ) But really, everyone seems to these days, and that's sad.
ANYWAYS, back on track, I have trust issues, and that ruins relationships.
I had a boyfriend once, Beck. He was a great guy, super sweet, caring, funny, and he loved me, what more could a girl ask for ? After only about a week and a half of dating, I got scared, and I broke up with him. I don't remember what I said to him about why I was breaking up with him, but it was a lie.
The truth is, I broke up with him because I WAS SCARED. Because I "loved" him. I didn't want him to break my heart so I did it myself.
We moved on, we're very close friends now. I've never stopped loving him, sure, it's kind of faded into more of a friend kind of love.
But in this little place in the back of my heart, I know that it's still there, the part of me that loves him as more than a friend. I don't plan on telling anyone that. For some reason I seem to think that if I keep it a secret it will go away.
* There's quotations around the word love because I'm not really sure that I loved him. At the time, I thought I did, but I don't really think it was love.

Alright, that's it for today, but I've decided this is going to be an on-going thing. My rants about boys.

“I don't know," I said. "What else did you do for your first eighteen years?"
"Like I said," he said as I unlocked the car, "I'm not so sure that you should go by my example."
"Why not?"
"Because I have my regrets," he said. "Also, I'm a guy. And guys do different stuff."
"Like ride bikes?" I said.
"No," he replied. "Like have food fights. And break stuff. And set off firecrackers on people's front porches. And..."
"Girls can't set off firecrackers on people's front porches?"
"They can," he said... "But they're smart enough not to. That's the difference.”
― Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride


 Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

I Am Only Human

And as I walked through the hallway a feeling of aloneness swept over me.

I stopped in my tracks and realized that, I was indeed, alone.

I don't like this place my life has come to, one by one, my best friends fade away.

I'm left in this place where everybody and their best friend is doing something, and I'm left alone.

Today in gym class I sat down and said to myself, "Wow. You have nobody."

I don't know why but, it just seems like nobody really wants to be around me right now.

They all have somewhere else to be, they sit there making plans with each other right in front of me, leaving me to wonder where I went wrong.

I guess that's the problem with having a lot of friends, you're not really that close with them.

I just wish... I don't even know. I wish life was easy.

I wish I didn't have to sit here and worry about being forever alone.

Maybe, I'm just one of those people who ends up bitter and alone with 38 cats.

So I did what I always do when I have a problem.

First, I thought about why it could of happened.

It occurred to me that, I am a little different then I used to be.

Not too long ago, I decided that I was done.

I meant a lot of things by that.

You see, I've always been the nice girl, I'll give you my food when you're hungry even if I haven't eaten anything all day, I'm always helping everybody, it's just the way I am. I put everyone else first.

Then, I decided that, I MATTER TOO.

I do so much for so many people and what do I get ? Nothing.

I decided that I had to start caring about myself too.

That I wasn't going to let myself get used or put down any longer.

That I wasn't going to put up with everyone's crap.

Maybe that's driven them away from me.

The fact that I no longer exist only to please them.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry.

Cry and cry until my eyes are dry.

But I don't.

I tell myself  "You're stronger than this, you'll make it through."

I'm a really sensitive person, the smallest of things can make me upset.

Usually, it's because it pertains to something else but, still.

All I ever wanted, was to be happy.

Is that so much to ask ?

Somehow, Someway, Someday

It's amazing how much your life can change in a day.

I'm doing it. I really am.

I'm going to get better.

Somehow, someway, someday, I will be okay.

I read. A lot. It's always been a passion of mine. 

I feel like, everytime I read a book, I find myself wanting to be that main character. 

Wanting to be like her, no matter how bad her life gets, she gets a happy ending.

It always leaves me thinking, where's my happy ending ?

But, I've never done anything about it.

I don't know how I didn't figure this out sooner but, if I want a happy ending, I have to make one.

And I WILL. I can't be that girl. I know I can't. Why would I even want to be ?

Sometimes, I look back at my posts and think to myself, how did you ever feel like that ? 

I need to stop beating myself up for not being who I want to be and start becoming who I want to be.

I'm done. I promise you, I'm done. 

Done with all these problems that come with being me. I refuse to put up with it.

People tell me I deserve better, that I am better than this.

Maybe I'm finally starting to believe that they're right.

I am coming out of my cocoon and turning into a butterfly.

Just Call Me Beautiful

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, what did I do to deserve this ?

I have. Almost everyday.

No matter how many times people tell me, you're pretty, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous, I'll never believe it.

You see, when somebody compliments me I usually say "Not really, but thanks."

The reason for this is not because I'm fishing for compliments but because, that's how I truly feel.

It's a proven fact that when you look in mirror you see only all your flaws, but everybody else doesn't. So therefore, you look better to everybody else. I guess I just don't see what they see, all I see is a dissapointment.

I'll never be that girl. The one that all the boys want because she's beautiful, hot, gorgeous, flawless, 

p e r f e c t.

There was this one day when my friends and I were sitting at the lunch table at school and we were talking about self-esteem. I said to them "I actually have really low self-esteem." And they laughed. But can I blame them ?

I put on such a show. I hide behind the make-up and the clothes and the fake smiles. It's so much easier to hide behind happiness then to actually be myself.

But, since last year, I've been trying.

I don't want to go back to where I used to be. I won't. I can't. I just... It was horrible.

And I never wanna go through it again.

I've been looking in the mirror, and instead of punching myself in the stomach, listening to the voices in my head and repeating their words, "You're fat. You're ugly. Nobody will ever love you."

I look in the mirror and I say " HEY! Don't think like that, you're beautiful."

And one day, I will start believing it.

Game Over

If you could go back in time, and change something, anything, everything about your life, would you ?

If your answer is no, you're lying to yourself.

If I could go back, there's a lot of things I would change.

Yes, I suppose it's true that, it does not do to dwell on the past because you will miss your future. 

Somehow, I think it's human nature to want to dwell on the past, to want to be back living in the past.

It takes a long time to accept the fact that we can't. We can't go back, but we can go forward. 

We can pick our hopes and dreams up off the ground, we can throw away our sorrows and disappointment, hold our heads high and move on.

Sometimes that's what we need to do. Go to sleep and wake up the next morning as a completely different person.

Ignore everybody telling you that you can't make it, that you're stupid, useless, or worthless. 

Prove them wrong.

Show them you can do anything. You can do everything they said you couldn't.

Then one day, they'll be sorry. But you'll be too smart to care.

You'll be out there having the time of your life, living your dreams, whilst they're rotting away as a consequence of their hateful way of living life.

They're going to regret not believing in you.

The game is over now, and you won.

Find True Love, The Fairytale Kind

People want more.

It's just a fact of life, sure, there are some people that are happy with their lives, but not many. For some reason, what we have is never enough, because you can always have more. 

I just finished reading a book, "Loser/Queen" by Jodi Lynn Anderson. I suppose that's what brought this on, it's about a girl who's a loser in high-school (never heard that one before, eh ?) and how she manages to climb to the top of the food chain. (or pretty close at least) She does this by bringing down a few of the people who are majorly popular. So then I got thinking, who would I bring down if I had the choice ? That's when I realized, no one. 

There really isn't anyone I could bring down, the thing with our school is that, yes it has "cliques" but no one wants to be in a different clique, we're happy where we are, because it's not really about who's cooler. No one is really cooler, well, I mean, some people think they are, but really they're not. After I realized all of that, I was momentarily shocked when I realized I spent most of my elementary and middle school years trying to get to where I am now, with a big group of friends, boys and girls, who hangout a lot outside of school, like going to the movies, mall, the park, each others houses. I wanted to be one of those girls who stays up all night texting, is addicted to pointless teenage soap operas, hangs out with her friends every weekend, always has plans, is complimented on her style and cool accessories . 

I am, that's who I am.  So I've got 2 new quotes for this, "Everybody wants more until they get it." & "It's only what you want when you don't have it." Now that I have all of that stuff I wanted for so long, it's not what I want, but I don't want to move on up, I want to go back to where I used to be. Too bad for me I can't. I can't go back, all I can do is go forward. 

I mean sure, my friends are great and all, but I want my old friends back, out of all my old friends they only ones I still talk to are Bea & Casey, and I don't miss all my old friends, just the important ones, the ones that were always there for me, the real ones. I haven't really talked to any of them in over a year, most of them just drifted away, some, one, we got in a fight and never really made up. I guess you could say I'm living proof that nobody is ever happy where they are. Well, not nobody, most people.

Good things to happen to people, but good things come with a price. H-A-T-E. You look at every person out there who's doing good in their life and they all have at least one hater. I don't understand the point of hating someone because they have something you want. Really though, what kind of person spends their life hating everyone else ? What kind of a life is that? It's just so stupid! "The hate will consume you from the inside out."-Timothy DeLaGhetto

Because people just want what they can't have, they want to be loved. I mean, who can really blame them ? Really though, someone needs to stand up and say "Fairytales don't happen in real life.."

Just a note that any names used in this post (Bea & Casey) are not real, the people are real, but those are not their names.