What Would You Do?

I will not apologize if I am not sorry.
What's the point?
If I did it, chances are I'm not sorry for doing it, unless it was an accident.
I reacted the way one should when one's sisters are trying to kill each other.
Sister #2 was attacking Sister #1 and I said, "MOTHER, COME DOWNSTAIRS THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER!" I said it loudly and I said it twice, but Mother did not come.
While they are both younger than me, I am the smallest of us three, even so, I decided it was my duty to defend Sister #1. I said to Sister #2 "Don't make me come over there, you know I can hurt you."
She continued to attack Sister #1 and I was forced to pull them apart, Sister #2, being the youngest ran crying to Mother and now Sister #1 and I are in trouble. 
What would you have done in this situation?
Was I wrong for stepping in?

it DOES get better

Do you ever feel alone?
Do you ever feel lost?
Do you ever feel sad?
Do you ever feel sad, lost, & alone?

I know I do sometimes. But today, someone (AdorianDeck) pointed out that, without all the bad things that happen to us and make us feel sad, lost, and alone, we wouldn't be who we are today.
I'm proud of who I am. It may have taken me awhile to get here but I did.
And I agree with Mr. Deck on this one. 
I've had my fair share of bullies and bad things happening to me, but without them, I wouldn't be the person that I am so proud to be. 
So I just wanted to say, to anybody who's listening, it DOES get better.
And the bad things that happen to you in life can make you into a better person if you let them.
As Adorian said, I may not know you personally, but I know that you are a unique human being and you are beautiful just the way you are and I love you. 
If anyone out there is feeling sad, lost, & alone and you see this, just know I'm here for you.
And if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me anytime. <3

Another Sad Song

I did it today. It's been one month and twenty days since the last text he sent me.
I deleted them. ALL OF THEM. They started in July of 2011, because that's when I got this phone, and I've never deleted a single one until now. (And if you count my old phone, they started in 2010) 
It was just important for me, I have to let go of him. It took me awhile but I finally did it.
Now I just need to delete his number...
I cried. I read through some of our old texts and I cried, because I miss him, a lot.
But I'm going to delete his number right now.
Because whatever we had is over, and it's over for good.
There.
It's gone.
His texts are gone, his number is gone, he's gone.
A part of me thinks it was love, at one point.
But logic tells me I'm too young to even know what love is.
What I do know is that I still miss him.
Every time I see him around school (which isn't very often) I want to scream in his face "I FUCKING MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!" But I don't.
I...I can't even say anything anymore.
I'm just... I thought we'd...I don't even.
UGH.

Highschool

The hallways of highschool are filled with people you used to know.
When you think about it, isn't that a little depressing?
You're constantly having to look at people and think "She was my best friend." "I dated him." "We got into a fight and never talk anymore." "She ditched me for a cooler group of people. "We just kind of drifted apart." "We were friends for 7 years and we haven't talked since junior high." and so on, you get my point.
And yeah, there are a whole bunch of people that you don't know, it almost feels like there's more people that you do know, and maybe there is.
Highschool is hard, I'll tell you that, it's the last place I want to be but I don't really have a choice.
You'll spend three or four years of your life there, and then leave and never look back.

Fuck highschool, I can't wait until I graduate.

You May Say I'm A Dreamer But I'm Not The Only One

Let's have a moment of silence for Mr. John Lennon folks.
He would have been 72 years old today. I first heard of John 
Lennon 5 years ago when I was introduced to a wonderful band called the Beatles. (and by introduced, I mean introduced to their music, obviously not the actual members.) You all know I'm only 15, so yes this means I was 10 when I first started loving the Beatles. Let it Be was the first song I really got into, and then after a few years I was hooked. Imagine was the first song I heard by John Lennon. And to this day, Let it Be is still my favourite Beatles song and Imagine is still my favourite John Lennon song. Now, most people don't know this about me but John Lennon shows up everywhere in my everyday life. Obviously, he's in the name of my blog url johnlennonforlife.blogspot.ca, he's also in my twitter bio "Life is what happens when you're making plans." -JL, https://twitter.com/Starrgiirl, a quote from Imagine is on my tumblr, "You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one." http://starrgiirl97.tumblr.com, I have two different emails that have "johnlennon" in them. And another funfact, random facts about him are the passwords to many of my accounts for different sites. Without even realizing until right now, John Lennon, even though he's not with us today, is a huge part of my, and many other fans lives. There's a quote from a song called Candle in the Wind that would fit in nicely here "Your candle burnt out long before, your legend ever did." So in case you were curious, you now know where the "johnlennonforlife" came from. That's all for now, I'll leave you with some music to remember this idol who will forever hold a place in our hearts. And also check out this website for some of his best quotes http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/08/john-lennons-20-best-quotes_n_1949665.html.

Selfish

You have to be extremely selfish to have kids.
That's what I always thought, and in a way, I still believe it.
Not everybody who has kids is selfish though, you've heard of them, the kids that love their parents more than anything.
And can you blame them?
Their parents are amazing, because yes, good parents do exist.
So, anybody that has kids, and is not a good parent, is selfish.
Why?
Because my parents brought me into this world for their own selfish reasons without my permission just so I could spend the majority of my life hating them and wishing I was never born. 
And I get it okay? I get that we have money, and we have a nice house, and I wear nice clothes, and we go on vacations, and we have food to eat, I get that there are people out there that have it worse.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not suffering too.
And I'm tired of being told that I have no right to feel sorry for myself, that I have no right to hate my life, that I have no right to want to die. 
Until you've lived my life for as long as I have, you have no right to say that.
For as long as I can remember, I've hated my parents, so you can't blame this on teenage hormones. 
We're at the point right now where I'm sure they think they're great at parenting. 
This blows my mind because honestly, the only way for them to be any worse would be to start physically abusing us, which they've come pretty close to many times. Not a day goes by where I don't wish I was out of this house and away from my parents.
I would give up everything, my insanely awesome wardrobe, all my electronics, all the trips we go on, my queen sized bed, EVERYTHING, just to get away from my parents. 
I don't know where they learned their parenting skills from, but it's ruining my life.
One day I'll make them see what they've done to me, I'm broken beyond repair by now, so yeah, I'll never be fixed but I still want them to see just how much damage they've done. 
Nothing can be done about my past, but if I play it right, my parents will not be a part of my future. 

Hotel California

It's been longer than a month of Sunday's since the last time we had any contact with each other.
I can't help thinking this is my fault, even when deep down I know it's not.
We got in little fights all the time, we always made up, it was no big deal.
I guess this time was different.
This time the fight was so stupid I didn't even realize we were fighting until it was two weeks later and you hadn't texted me. 
For a while I was upset, I missed you, I still do.
You were the only person who always knew how to make me feel loved, the only person who cared enough to see through my lies. 
I'd always said I wouldn't be able to live without you, but I'm doing it right now.
So for a while I was upset, but then I realized something.

E V E R Y T H I N G   H A P P E N S   F O R    A   R E A S O N. 

Because in the back of my mind I'd always known we weren't meant to be.
Forever could see us not, you and me. 
We were just too different to ever work out.
And our relationship was too confusing, were we really just friends?
A lot of the time it seemed like we were crossing some sort of line, but neither of us said anything about it.

So even though I miss you, and even though a part of me want's you back in my life, I'm not going to try and fix us.
We were always kind of broken, and now the glass has shattered so badly that even if we do manage to fix it, we'll always know at one point it was broken because it will never be the same. 

So this is it, it's been a long time coming, and we've been running from our always inevitable fate.
But I'm done running.
I'm embracing life without you and I'm moving on.
The fact that you had a huge impact on my life will never change, I'll always remember you.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, even though I'm moving on, even though our friendship is over, even though I'm not going to try and fix this, sometimes I still wonder, do you ever miss me just a little bit? 

*Every relationship ends except for the one that doesn't.*

End Of The Line

It's always worse when you don't see it coming.

Things are great, you're on the phone everyday after school, chatting about the latest gossip. You know each others crushes, you know each others REAL opinions of well, pretty much everyone. She's the one person you feel like you can tell everything to, because you know she won't judge you. You hangout as much as possible, sleepovers, shopping, movies, and just having fun together. She's there for you and she knows you're there for her, even at 3am. She's your best friend forever, and you love her to death.
So obviously it's a shock when one day you're alone, thinking about life, and you realize, you're not best friends anymore. You haven't hung-out in months, the hours you used to spend on the phone have turned into a text or two every once in a while, you barely even talk or see each other anymore except for the occasional "hey" exchanged when you pass each other in the hallways at school. And then you see her with another girl, doing all the things you two used to do together, and it's worse than if your boyfriend had broken up with you and done this with his next girlfriend. Why? Because she wasn't your boyfriend, she was something much more important, your best friend forever. But it seems forever has come to an end. Naturally, you're upset. You don't understand how this happened, how you didn't see it coming. You miss her, and you can't help wonder if she misses you too. You almost wish that you'd gotten into a fight with her, because at least then there would be a reason for why you're not friends anymore. You go on with your life, it's not like you don't have other friends. Then one day you're going through some of your old stuff and you find something from a couple years back that makes you remember her. It's a weird feeling, because you completely forgot about a lot of things that happened to you two, you forgot about a lot of things you did together, but now all the memories of your friendship come rushing back. And you miss her even more than you did when you realized your friendship was over.
This could go 3 ways.
1. You decide to make something happen. You miss your best friend and you want her back. You call her, text her, or maybe just find her at school and talk to her. You tell her you miss her, and you don't have any idea why you're not friends anymore. She feels the same way, you guys start hanging out again. You're back, and it's you two until the end.
2. You do the same things you did in the first way, except she doesn't miss you. She's got better friends, she doesn't need you in her life. You're upset, but you tell yourself that if she doesn't want you, she doesn't deserve you. You move on and eventually you forget about her. Your friendship becomes a little memory stuck somewhere in the back of your mind that only pops up every once in a while.
3. Also known as, how it usually happens. You don't do anything. Why should you have to? Weren't you her best friend too? Shouldn't she be the one to come to you? The flaw in that logic is what if she feels the same way. You both miss each other, but you're waiting for the other to make a move and so no one ever does. Life goes on, you meet new people, make new best friends, but you'll never forget each other. To you, she's always going to hold a special place in your heart and your mind and you'll do the same in hers. Years later you'll both wonder where the other is, how they're doing, and most of all, you'll regret not making an effort to keep your friendship alive.

It's always worse when you don't see it coming.

But know that I think about it, maybe I did see it coming. Maybe I knew all along that we were slowly drifting apart and her now new best friend was coming in between us. Maybe I just didn't want to believe it. That's the problem with living in denial, eventually, the things you tried so hard to convince yourself weren't really happening, happen. 

Looking back on things, I still can't figure out where we went wrong. One day, we were best friends, then a few years later, we weren't. I guess sometimes you just don't realize what's happening until it's over. 
And I could blame. I could blame highschool, I could blame her, I could blame boys, I could blame a whole bunch of people but what's the point? It's not going to bring our friendship back.

So I guess that's it, we're not best friends anymore, this is the end of our line. 

I Don't Wanna Be In Love

Tell me what love is.
If I'm too young to be feeling it then tell me how old I have to be.
And tell me why.
Why do I feel like this?
And if this isn't love then tell me what it is?
And last of all, TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I'm 15. I want to have fun and try new things and just be crazy. (And get good grades because yes, I care about school) I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE!
Well, technically, I'm not in love.
I'm in something worse. Way, way, waaaaayyyyy worse.
And it is called... drumroll please!
Unrequited love.
I am in unrequited love.
With a boy I've known my entire life who lives on the other side of the country I live in. 
A boy who yes, cares about me, but not like I want him too.
A boy who I never thought would like me back, but for some odd reason, 3 years ago I decided to tell him I liked him.
I was right though, he didn't like me back.
What bothers me most about that, is that he never directly said, "I don't feel the same way."
I just said, "Please don't hate me." or something like that and he said something like, "It's okay, you can't control who you like."
Anyways, none of that even matters, what matter is that he will never like me back.
Okay, well, not never, but, there's a 99% chance he will never like me back.
But I'm a teenage girl, I have the heart and mind of a teenage girl.
My mind is telling me "Get over him. He doesn't want you? Then he doesn't deserve you."
But my heart is telling me "Girl, there's a 1% chance, that's all you need, as long as you got a chance, no matter how small, it's still a chance. You just need to show him how great you are! You've changed a lot since the last time you saw him."
And the problem is, I don't know which one to go with.
Okay well, that's not true. 
Normally, I always go with my heart, but, in this case, I WANT to go with my brain.
BUT I CAN'T GET OVER HIM. HE'S JUST SO PERFECT. AHHHH.

I guess, it's better that he doesn't live here, because sometimes I'm able to push him out of my mind for a bit because I don't see him or hear from him very often. But he always creeps back in there.

I've been that girl who spent days upon days (years upon years actually) obsessing and crying over a guy. And I wish I hadn't. I've wasted so much time on boys and I'm not going to waste anymore. This year is about me. And making my relationships with my girlfriends stronger because they're more important to me than any boy could ever be.

I just, needed to accept the fact that I still have feelings for Asher.
And I know, that if he were to tell me he liked me.
I'd do the long distance relationship thing in a heart beat.
Because I trust him completely and fully and even though I only see him every 4 years (if I'm lucky) it'd be worth it. It'd be worth it for him. 

So, I'm going to stop pretending that I'm over him. I've had this crush for 7 years and it's not going away anytime soon so I'm just going to embrace it and try to move on with my life. I think another reason for my rule where I'm not allowing myself to date this year (well, until I turn 16) is because it's not really fair to other guys for me to date them when I obviously like Asher more.
But hey, if I find a guy who I like more than Asher that likes me too, well hallelujah!

But for now, I'll just stick to not wanting to be in love.


 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Holy Shit I'm Aging

Birthday's.
Everyone has one, whether they celebrate it or not.
When my next birthday rolls around I'll be 16 years of age. I've wanted to be sixteen ever since I understood what birthdays were. Maybe because I'll be able to drive. Maybe because it's my golden birthday. OR maybe because of how glamorous being sixteen appears to be. Y'know, those sweet sixteen parties with mansions and famous bands and tons of people and your parents give you a car. A few years ago I realized that, I don't live in a mansion, and I don't know any famous bands, (I did meet Stereos though!! <3) I have a lot of friends, but not hundreds like you see on TV and the only way I'm getting a car is if I get honours with distinction in school. Even though that fantasy is gone, for some reason being 16 is an EXTREMELY big deal to me. It IS my golden birthday and I WILL be able to finally get my drivers license, if I ever get around to reading the drivers manual.
Now of course, like most teenagers, I have a slight fear of aging. And when I say slight I mean...  I DON'T WANT TO BE OLD AND FAT AND WRINKLY AND NOT BE ABLE TO WALK WITHOUT A CANE. I DON'T WANT TO GET A JOB AND HAVE TO PAY BILLS. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT POLITICS AND THE ECONOMY. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO STOP ACTING LIKE A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M IMMATURE. I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE OLD. I would have said I don't want to stop watching family channel and spongebob and scooby-doo and such but I'm still going to do that no matter how old I am.
But ohwell, getting old is inevitable so why waste my youth worrying about it? Might as well enjoy it while I can.

Reasons

Maybe this is what I need.
Maybe it will help.
Maybe it won't help at all.
Who knows? I might as well try, right?

12 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Kill Myself

1. I'll never be able to prove to my parents that they suck at parenting.
2. Molly would have no one to complain about Michael too. Well, she'd have Gretta, but, I think I understand better.
3. I'll never know what a kiss feels like.
4. I'll never fall in love.
5. I'll never figure out what career I want.
6. I'll never figure out if I want to get married and have kids.
7. I'll never go to highschool.
8. I'll never go to university.
9. Lissa would be alone again, she'd have no one to hangout with at school and on that trip.
10. I'll never slow dance with a guy.
11. If I kill myself, I might find out that nobody actually cared about me.
12. I don't want to die.

12 Reasons Why I Should Kill Myself

1. My parents don't know how to raise children properly.
2. I hate that I do so much for some of my friends and I'm always there when they need me and when I need them they're nowhere to be found.
3. My family would be better off without me.
4. I'll fall in 'love', but I'll never be loved back.
5. I don't know what career I want.
6. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
7. I'm scared of growing up.
8. Nobody understands me.
9. I would never have to hear about how ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, I am again.
10. My friends and family would finally see how much I do for them, because I wouldn't be there to do it.
11. I can finally be free. Free from hatred and worry and people who hurt me.
12.  I want to die.

So maybe that helped, maybe it didn't. I'm not going to kill myself yet, if I do decide to, I'll let you know. I want to be able to say I made it through this, but sometimes it just get's too hard.

Lock Me Up, I'm Crazy

Read the title.

It's true.

I swear, I'm insane.

My thoughts don't make sense half the time, sometimes random ones will pop into my head and they just don't make sense.

You know what I was doing at midnight last night?

I was lying on my bed listening to Kanye West and dancing. I would close my eyes and I'd be in a club, dancing like a crazy ass motherfucker. 

I talk to myself. Out loud. All the time.

I think people are watching me. I pretend I don't know they're watching me and then I remember that no one's actually watching me. So in reality, I was pretending that someone was watching me.

I feel lifeless sometimes. I just, can't feel any emotions and I get really confused about everything.

I make up scenarios where I'm with people and doing things and I act them out like they're real.

They're not.

I'm crazy.

P L E A S E  H E L P  M E .

bFfLz

What's worse?
Being alone , or being surrounded by people who make you feel lonely?
Technically, I have a huge group of friends. I invited more than 20 people to my birthday party and most of them came. And the ones that couldn't come complained about how they couldn't come and wished they could. I'm not bragging, quite the opposite actually. How is it that I have so many friends, yet I constantly feel alone? Out of all these "friends" there are only a few that I actually consider to be my friends. And out of those girls, there's not a single one that's been there for me 100% of the time. That's not all their fault though, I lost touch with a few of them. Casey is one of my best friends but we don't talk for months sometimes. Dani and I actually lost touch for a year I think, and we don't talk very often, but I love her to death. Lily and Bea, well, we definitely hangout a lot more than I do with the other girls but sometimes I feel like Bea wouldn't really care if I never talked to her again. Then there's Lilith Fair, I didn't like her at all in seventh grade but now it seems like we're best friends. She's kind of odd, I barely know anything about her but we hungout almost everyday of 9th grade. Lastly, Carley and Molly. I'll start with Carley, last year, we were such great friends, then Gert and I got in a huge fight and Carley was kind of the cause of it. Carley and I were rocky for the beginning of this year, we've gotten better but we're still nowhere near as close as we were last year. I miss her, I really do. Molly. I'm there for her 24/7. She comes to me with all of her problems and I help her. I can read that girl like a book. I know how she feels about something before she does sometimes. But... I feel like she's never there for me, like I do all this for her and she doesn't do much for me. I just feel like I'm being her best friend and she's not treating me like a best friend should, unless she has problem. All I ever wanted in life was a best friend. A best friend who I could just be myself around, who was always there for me, who understood me, who never judged me, and I would do the same for her. I just want someone who will be that for me, like I've been doing for so many other people. Does that make sense? I feel like, I play the role of best friend to a lot of people but no one is my best friend. I just hate this feeling of aloneness. Why can't I be normal? WHY?


 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Shrinking Violet

You know that feeling? The one where you realize you've done something wrong but it's now too late to fix it? I thought I did but then I realized, it's never too late to fix it. So please, for your own sake, try, or you'll live your whole life regretting it.

Truth - the quality or state of being true

100 Truths!

1. Last beverage - Water, lol, I'm so boring.
2. Last phone call - My dad.
 4. Last song you listened to - Hungry Like The Wolfs - Duran Duran
5. Last time you cried -don't remember, a few days ago?
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice - no.
7. Been cheated on? - not that i know about
8. Kissed someone & regretted it ? - never kissed anyone.
9. Lost someone special? - yes,
10. Been depressed? -yes
11. Been high? - living young & wild & free without drugs or alcohol , so that's a no
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Twilight Magenta
13. Blushing Red
14. Black Satin & Hot Pink (I know it said three but I couldn't choose!)
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends - yes! (:
16. Fallen out of love - No.
17. Laughed until you cried -  countless times.
18. Met someone who changed you - I don't believe so.
19. Found out who your true friends were -oh yeah.
20. Found out someone was talking about you - mhm.
TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have - two ( if i decide to have kids)
24. Do you have any pets - no :(
25. Do you want to change your name - well, sort of.
26. What did you do for your last birthday - Invited all the girls over and ate a lot of food and played a lot of  games and did a shit ton of random stuff and just had fun!
27. What time did you wake up today - 9:30ish ?
28. What were you doing at midnight last night -Watching Shane Dawson videos on my apple tv. (:
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - summersummersummersummer.
30. Last time you saw your father - like, two minutes ago.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - the fact that i can't see without glasses or contacts. or my nose. it's too big.
32. What are you listening to right now - the hum of my laptop.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom  - I dunno.
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? - novel study/
36. Whats your real name -it's a secret.
37. Relationship Status - lone wolf. (haha, i've been watching too much mamma mia.)
38. Zodiac sign - Aries.
39. Male or female - female !
40. Elementary School -not saying.
41. Middle School - not saying!
43. Hair color - very dark chestnut.
44. Long or short - long
45. Height - 5'2
46. Do you have a crush on someone - yeaahhh,
47. What do you like about yourself - my eyes and most times my hair
48. Piercings - ears.
49. Tattoos - i wish.
50. Righty or lefty - righty.
FIRSTS :
51. First surgery: nothing yet, but it's going to be jaw.
52. First piercing  - ears.
53. First tattoo - nothing..... YET!
54.First bestfriend-Yasmin Blenks
55. First Sport - I really don't remember, soccer?
56. First pet - fishy.
57. First vacation - uhm, here i think, because i didn't use to live here.
58. First concert - I don't even know !
59. First crush - UGH ! I'm so not saying, it's embarrassing !
RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating -  nothing.
62. Drinking - nothing.
63. I’m about to - eat supper, BBQ! (:
64. Listening to - the hum of my laptop, didn't i already say that ?
65. Waiting for - whatever happens next.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes - eyessss ! (Unless it's Steven Tyler ! :)
70. Hugs or kisses - hugs, 'cause i don't know what kisses feel like.
71. Shorter or taller - talller.
72. Older or Younger - don't matter.
73. Romantic or spontaneous - both.
74. Nice stomach or nice arms - abs! duhh !
75. Tattoos or piercings - depends what and where.
76. Sensitive or loud - both !
77. Hook-up or relationship - relationship obv.
 78. Trouble maker or hesitant - both. :)
HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger - no waay.
80. Drank hard liquor - ewww.
81. Lost glasses/contacts - haha, yes !
82. Cried in front on someone - mhm. /
83. Broken someone’s heart - I hope not,:S
84. Had your own heart broken - yeah, i guess,/
85. Been arrested - oh totally, :P haha, no.
86. Turned someone down - uh, yes,
87. Cried when someone died - yup.
88. Liked a friend that is a girl - lol, don't swing that way.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself - sometimes.
90. Miracles - yes.
91. Love at first sight - no
92. Heaven - not sure, i don't think i do.
93. Santa Clause - no. :(
94. Kissing on the first date- depends.
95. Angels - kinda
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now - yes.
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time - never !
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever - yes.
99. what is something you cannot live without? Music.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths- naah, i'm too cool.

 *Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

IMPORTANT

Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.

This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Shrinking Violet

There are three S's we have to balance as teenagers. School, Social Life, &, Sleep. What sucks is it's nearly impossible to get all three. I myself, have given up sleep, well, I still sleep, just not as much as I should be. I'm constantly tired, which is so much fun (sarcasm). When I was little, all I wanted was to be a teenager. They were so cool, so foreign and wonderful. Now I'm here, and I want to go back, my life is messed up and crazy. But, that's just how we live. We are teenagers and we do what we have to do to get to where we want to go. We live, or at least, we try.

New-Shrinking Violet

I'm not stupid, I made it basically impossible for anyone I know to find this blog. So this is more of a note for future me but anyways,
I've always wanted to be famous, it's no secret. I read a book called 'Shrinking Violet' and well, you can look it up, I'm not going to explain it. In fact, why don't you read it? It's amazing. It was turned into a Disney movie called 'Radio Rebel' and trust me, Disney changed it a lot, I mean, they kind of had to, to make it more appropriate for kids, the book is way better though. Anyways, Shrinking Violet is going to be a new thing I'm doing, I'm basically going to pretend I'm on the radio and write stuff then post a song. Yay for living out my dreams, well, sort of.

Purge Away Your Stress

See that picture? Well, let me tell you just what it is...

That would be the first time I ever made myself throw up, and it was just a few minutes ago.

I know what you're thinking, but, actually, you're wrong. 

First, let me just say, while this is the first time I've made myself throw up, it's not the first time I've tried. I've attempted more than a few times, this is just the first time I've succeeded. All the other times, I did it because I felt fat, and I wanted to be skinny, so I tried to throw up. But, not this time.

This time, I did because I didn't know what else to do.

I read a book, it was called Nothing and it was by Robin Friedman. It was about a boy named Parker who was Bulimic. And, he didn't really do it to lose weight, he did it to release stress.

I have problems with my Dad, I've probably mentioned that before, and well, so did Parker.

A week or two ago my Dad gave us a tearful speech about how he's sorry for being so hard on us (I have two sisters) and how he want us to look up to him and see him as a role model so he said he was going to be better now.

And the whole time he was giving us that speech I was secretly rolling my eyes thinking that it was bullshit.

I was right.

I was at Games Night with my girlfriends and he picked me up, that was around 11:30. We got home and he started going crazy because he couldn't find this bag of giftcards he got for my grandmother (tomorrow is Mothers Day) and how it was worth a lot of money. He started blaming my mother and she got upset but we all started looking for it. One of my sisters found it and me and her and my mother were all screaming with happiness and we told my father and he yelled " I DON'T CARE, SOMEBODY MOVED IT, IT WASN'T WHERE I LEFT IT!" So my mother goes "Can't you just be happy that she found it?" and then they started yelling at each other and I ran downstairs, but not before screaming "THIS IS ANOTHER REASON WHY I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED" And then my mother yelled back at me something about how that wasn't appropriate for me to say or I have no right to say that or something. Actually I do, it's called Freedom of Speech you stupid bitch. Anyways, I ran downstairs to my room crying, and then I walked into my bathroom and I wanted to cut, like I did a couple days before my dad gave us that teary speech (yes, he was the reason I cut myself, it had been nearly a year without cutting and he ruined it) but I willed myself not to.

I'm on the red right now and so I've been feeling a little bit nauseous, and also my parents fighting makes me feel like that, so, I stuck my fingers down my throat and I threw up while I cried.

And I'm not going to lie, when I was done, I felt a lot better. I felt like all the negative stuff was out of my system. I remembered a lot of the bad things that happened  to Parker in the book, his teeth were gray, the acid from the throw up hurt his throat, and other things, so I googled it. Instead of finding reasons why I shouldn't be bulimic. I found this, http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.ca/2009/02/ana-and-mia-tips-and-tricks.html . It's a blog post about tips and tricks on how to be Anorexic and Bulimic. I almost cried while reading that, half because it made me feel like shit, half because there's a freaking website that tells people how to be better Bulimics. It's a disease, Bulimia Nervosa is a disease that you can be diagnosed with. As easy as it would be for me to just throw up all the time, tonight was the first time I ever made myself throw up, and hopefully it will be the last.

Get Over Yourself

DO IT.

PLEASE.

I'M BEGGING YOU.

GET THE FREAKING FUCK OVER YOURSELF.

People these days. UGH. Honestly though, they need to get over themselves.

Everybody's so dramatic. This guy in my class, *cough, cough, MACKIE* is completely bonkers.

Basically, he had a girlfriend for like two weeks (maybe less) and she broke up with him and he's in complete full and total break-up syndrome mode. She broke up with him on FRIDAY. It's TUESDAY. And he's STILL upset. Why? Good question.

APPARENTLY, she's perfect, he would do ANYTHING for her, and he was in love with her and he's devastated that she broke up with him and he keeps the drumsticks she bought him when she went to Ottawa for four days (SHE WAS IN OTTAWA FOR ALMOST HALF OF THEIR "relationship") with him at ALL times.

I know all of this because we do these things in ELA called quick-writes and he read his out loud to the class and started crying and he was talking about her. Did I mention she's in grade 8? Anyways.

He's so over-dramatic, I mean, if they'd been dating for longer maybe I could see him being upset then. But they barely even dated, they didn't really go out anywhere, I'm not even sure if they actually kissed.

I can't even talk about this anymore, it's too annoying.

Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Confessions

If I could change anything about my past, I know what I'd choose. It should probably be something like I'd change the first time I cut, I'd change getting into that fight with Kelly, it should be something really important. I'd change telling Zeke I liked him. Nothing's different between us now. It didn't really affect us, but, I'd still change it. I don't want him to know. I really don't.

 Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

All Eggs Eventually Crack

Hello, my name is Insert my real name here Sierra Starr and I am the sheer image of perfection.

Everybody wants to be perfect. They don't understand. 

PERFECT ISN'T FUCKING REAL.

The image of perfection however, that does exist. And trust me, you don't want it.

Do you know how hard it is to be "perfect"?

Everybody has SUCH high expectations of me, I just, sometimes I can't do it!

I'm pretty, nice, smart, caring, I listen, I understand, and I try to help. (Note that this is how other people see me, not how I see myself.)

I cracked today. Just a little bit.

I yelled at Mackie. I told him I was sick of him. 

It's true. I am. He acts like an over-protective boyfriend to Prim and flirts with her ALL THE TIME and the worst part is she flirts back. 

Now, this should be none of my business and not affect me but it does.

Why?

Well, first of all because Prim is kind of my friend, not really but she sits at my table in french and science humains which we usually have twice a day, sometimes three times.

Second of all because she sits at my table, Mackie is always coming over to sit with us and talking and flirting with Prim VERY LOUDLY. Like hello? I don't want to see that! I'm trying to get work done here! Okay, so maybe I'm not getting much work done, but maybe I would if Mackie would go away. He's so annoying. He thinks he so cool and funny but he's just plain annoying. And he falls in love with every girl that is nice to him. I would know, he did the same thing to me last year that he's doing to Prim now. But don't you even say that I'm jealous, because I'm not. I turned him down last year, I sopped doing anything that he might have considered flirting so I wouldn't lead him on like Prim is and I didn't talk to him for about a week just to give it some time. And then after that I started talking to him again and we became friends. That's what you're supposed to do when one of your friends likes you and you don't like them back. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAD THEM ON. Prim knows how Mackie feels about her. I TOLD HER, I WOULD KNOW. And don't even try to tell me that I'm wrong about how Mackie feels about Prim. First of all, his best friend told me I should tell Prim how Mackie feels so she would stop leading him on. I did, the leading him on thing got even worse! And, Mackie admitted to me that he likes Prim. So yeah, I do know.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

It's not fair. Sometimes I just want to scream at people. Tell them what I really think of them. How I really feel. But I can't. I don't. Today, today I did. AND IT FELT SO GOOD.

 

Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

Confessions

I don't want to write in this blog right now.

I don't want to do my homework.

I don't want to get ready for school tomorrow.

I don't want to hangout with my friends.

All I want, is to go on quizazz.com and read fan-fiction about One Direction.

Now I know what you're thinking but you're wrong.

True, I am kind of obsessed with One Direction, but my fetish for reading love stories on the internet started with 7 minutes of heaven on myyearbook.com. It then turned to Justin Bieber fan-fiction on fun140.com then a mix between Justin Bieber, Cody Simpson, and, Jaden Smith still on fun140.com. Then one day, fun140.com stopped working. It had been a couple months and I had decided to back to myyearbook because I needed my fix, but the quizzes section where I found my stories were gone. I was crushed and relieved at the same time. This meant I could possibly be normal. But then one day, I came across quizazz.com and my obsession came back. I need help. I'm addicted. And I can barely go a week without reading the stories on quizzaz. HELP ME. 

Locked in the Janitor's Closet

So, how many movies/TV shows about high-school have you seen where someone doesn't get locked in the janitor's closet? Disney channel's Radio Rebel is a perfect example.

It must be in a rulebook. How to be a Bitch 101. Rule #1 - Find a nice girl and lock her in the janitor's closet.

Why does this happen? Simple.

Mean girl feels threatened by nice girl, mean girl locks nice girl in janitor's closet to sabotage something that is important to nice girl. 

Personally, although I technically should  be a freshman in high-school, (I'm in grade 9) I'm not. Why you ask? Because here, for some stupid unknown reason, high-school doesn't start until grade 10, so I will start high-school as a sophomore. 

ANYWAYS, I'm getting off topic. I was talking about closets. 

I personally have never seen a girl get locked in the janitor's closet, I've never got locked in it and I've never locked someone in it. I may not be in high-school but I do have friends that are and I'm pretty sure they'd agree.

It's just not real. Yeah, there are lots of really bitchy girls, but they're probably not going to lock you in a closet.

Movies about high-school are just SO unrealistic. I guess when I was younger I never really realized that. I thought people got locked in janitor's closets all the time.

The janitor's closet is just one example of how the way TV portrays high-school is unrealistic. Nobody hooks up in the boiler room, (although the bathroom is a common place for this, or so I've heard) nobody has a thing with one of the teachers, the really cool, cute, popular guy will most likely not fall in love with you, and, having a boyfriend isn't glamorous and wonderful AT ALL.

High-school isn't what you think it will be. I remember when I was little, I couldn't WAIT to go to high-school. Now I'm secretly hoping I'll get famous so I don't have to go.

The only thing I'm looking forward to about next year is that I don't have to take gym. We only need 1 gym credit to graduate so I'll take that in grade 11. 

I thought high-school was this amazing thing where I'd be the coolest, prettiest, smartest girl there and I'd have a super hot boyfriend and the best friends and it would all be perfect.

But it's no where near that at all. 

Nobody is "cool" we're all just people. There are tons of girls (and guys for that matter) who are WAY better looking than me. I'm not even the smartest in my junior high school, how will I be the smartest in my high-school? Reality is, I'm probably not going to get a boyfriend, and I'll have virgin lips forever. As for my friends, well, I don't really know. I guess I'll see when I get there. But what I do know is, high-school is gonna be no where near perfect. Just like being a teenager. It kind of sucks sometimes. That's just the way the world works.

But, I'll find ways to make it through. I always do.

If You Can Afford Me

NOTES - 3

RULES: 1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle. 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. 4. Tag 5 friends, including me 5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing. 6. Have Fun!


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "ARE YOU OKAY?" YOU SAY:
U Can Have It All - JRDN


2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?:
Willing To Wait - Rihanna

(Actually, I don't like waiting AT ALL. But, I'm working on it.)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?:
My Youtube Song - Dave Days

(Well, I DO like youtubers ! And I like people who watch YouTube as well !)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?:
So Appalled - Kayne West ft. Jay-Z, Pusha T, Prynce Cy Hi, RZA & Swizz Beatz

(I don't know why but that made me LOL.) 

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?:
Government Hooker - Lady Gaga

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. no.)

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?:
Grove St. Party - Waka Flocka Flame ft. Kebo Gotti
(haha, awe yeah !)

7. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?:
Self Explanatory - Classified
(Meh.)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?:
Looking For Love - Diddy-Dirty Money ft. Usher

(haha, kind of.)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?:
I Can Only Imagine - David Guetta, Chris Brown & Lil Wayne
(How true, I don't have a best friend.)


10. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?:
Make it Stop - Rise Against

(I guess that makes sense, at some points in my life at least.)

11. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?:
Sexy Chick - David Guetta & Akon

(haha, you know it !)

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?:
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
(I find this amusing.)

13. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?:
Can't Fight This Feeling - Glee

(I guess that makes sense)

14. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?:
I'll Be Alright Without You - Journey

(Well, I guess everyone will be alright without me....)

15. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?:
 Naked - Dev ft. Enrique Iglesias
(LOL NO.)

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?:
Right Thru Me - Nicki Minaj
(Maaaaybe.)

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?:
I Just Had Sex - The Lonely Island & Akon
(OH GOD,ROFL, LMAO, I CAN 'T EVEN, HAHAHAH, CAN'T STOP LAUGHING !!!)

18. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?:
Sandy - John Travolta
(Well, apparently, I want Sandy.)

19. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?:
15 Minutes - The Yeah You's
(That doesn't make much sense, ohwell !)

20. WHAT DOES YOUR LOVE THINK ABOUT YOU?:
I Would Do Anything For You - Foster the People
(YESSSSSSSSSS ! Haha!)

21. WHAT IS THE TITLE OF THIS NOTE?
If You Can Afford Me - Katy Perry

The 3am Friend

I think I finally realized why.

Why I'm ALWAYS there for everyone even though they're hardly ever never there for me.

And what I just said is why. 

I know what it feels like. To want someone to be there for you, but no one ever is. 

So I'm that friend. The one you can call at 3 in the morning to cry to, because you know they'll listen. The one who'll show up at your door with romantic comedies and chocolate after you've been through a bad break-up. The one who'll send you a rose on Valentine's day, just so you can feel loved. The one who'll share her snack with you when you forgot your lunch, even if she herself hasn't eaten all day. The one who will listen to you vent about your problems for hours on end. The one who puts up with you talking about the same guy day after day after day. The one who is there for you, anytime, anyplace, no matter what. I'm that girl.

But, I don't have anybody who would do that for me.

Sometimes it makes me angry. Knowing that I'm always there for them but they don't care to return the favor.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I left. If I just stopped talking to them. Would they care? Would they miss me? Would they even notice? 

Everyone's always asking me questions. It's like, they just expect me to know the answer. And, I usually do. But, why? Why do they expect me to know everything? I don't! I don't know everything!

Do I not deserve a friend like that?

Is it really so much to ask? I just want a real, true, best friend.

I just want that friend, that I can call at 3am, knowing they'll pick up and listen.

You're Not Alone

I found this while reading one direction fan fiction. The girl who wrote this, Julianna, described how I feel perfectly, and I felt the need to post it on here, so I could remember it.

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting..."

Hey There Delilah

 NOTES - 2

Who do you like and Why?
- I like Cade. Why, you ask? Well, why is the sky blue?

Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love?
- Unrequited love, yes. Real love? I thought I was, but now I'm not so sure.

Longest relationship you’ve ever been in, and why did it end?
- Like, a week and a half. I'm not good at relationships, I don't trust anyone, and men are pigs.

Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how?
- First off, let me just say, whatever you do, NEVER EVER EVER change for a guy. But, yes. I did. How? Oh god, here we go. My hair used to be kind of greasy and gross. I got a straightener and expensive shampoo's and other products to make it look nice. I used to dress really gothy and weird. I bought a new wardrobe full of cute clothes. I had glasses. I got contacts. I was depressed. I pretended to be happy. I was ugly. I transformed into someone who society would label as "pretty". But it wasn't enough. Nothing I can do, will ever be enough for him. For Zeke.

Pretend I’m you ex, what do you want to say to me?
- All those years ago, when you told me you loved me, were you lying Beck? Because you said the only girl you've ever loved was Shelly.

Have you ever been cheated on?
- Not that I know about.

Have you ever cheated?
- Never.

Would you date someone who’s known for cheating, if yes why?
- It depends. If I really fell for him, I'd give him a chance. Because, it's not me he cheated on, and everyone deserves a second chance.

What’s the most important part of a relationship?
- Love, obviously. Looking at that person and not only seeing someone who is your bf/gf, but, your best friend. You need to be comfortable around them if you're going to have a relationship.

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
- Honestly, I have no clue.

When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?
-I wouldn't know yet.

How many people have you ever hooked up with?
- Zero.

What’s one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship?
- Nothing.

What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?
- Honestly, I believe in abstinence so, yeah.

Do you believe in the phrase, “Age is just a number?” Why or why not?
-I mean, it depends. If he/she is old enough to be your mother/father, then that's just creepy. Also, during the teen years, age does matter, it's a very big deal. Just because we're still growing up. When we get older, a couple years won't make a big difference.

Ps. Age is just a number and jail is just a room. HAHAHAH.

What about “Love at first sight”? Why or why not?
- No. Lust at first sight, yes. And lust can turn into love but, you need to truly get to know someone before you know if you're in love with them.

Turn on’s?
- Being called 'love' or 'darling'. It's weird, I know. British/Australian accents, flirting, play-fighting. A lot of things, actually, haha. And um, it kind of turns me on when guys swear, but, just the flirty kind, like "damn baby" not like "you're a fucking bitch". The whole "Jillian Greene and Marcus Brody" relationship thing is what I want to have with a guy. I don't want prince charming, I WANT FUCKING MARCUS BRODY. Well, maybe add a little Brent Greene to that, and you've got the perfect man.

Turn off’s?
-Smelling bad. Too many tattoo's/piercings, really long hair, cockiness, homophobia, being judgmental, as werid as this sounds, being nice all the time, I can't stand a guy who is super nice all the time to his girlfriend, like, dude, if I'm dating you, I obviously like you, just be yourself, don't be fake, you're allowed to get mad at me sometimes.

What do you consider a deal breaker?
- Dunno.

How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?
- You just know.

Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single?
- No, been single since January 2010. And it's currently March 2012.

Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?
- Yes. I'm extremely good friends with my ex, and I love him to death, like a brother though.

Do you think people should date their friends?
-I think, the best relationships start out as friendships.

How many relationships have you had?
-None. I had a, "you like me,I like you, we're going out." kind of thing, but that doesn't really count.

Do you think love can last forever?
-Maybe.

Do you believe love can conquer all things?
- Maybe.

Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?
- No. I don't give a damn what my parents think.

If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?
- Don't do it honey.

Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not?
-Yes. If you really love somebody, they're worth it. If you're not willing to do anything and everything for them, to be with them, it's not really worth it. When people say, how can long distance relationships work? I always say, how can they not? But, you do have to be a trusting person, if you don't fully trust your partner, it won't work out.

What do you notice first about another person of the opposite sex?
- I know it's shallow but, if he's not wearing a shirt, then I look at his chest/stomach area. I love abs, okay? I admit it. If he is then face, I love nice eyes/smiles.

Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you?
- No, I have a lot of gay/bi friends. And I have no problem with transgender's. I mean, as much as I complain about being a girl, if I woke up and I was a boy, I'd want to become a girl again. So I understand why transgenders are transgenders.

Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

The Way You Bounce

NOTES - 1

This is about to get crazy, are you ready?
Bring it.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
Virgin lips right here.

Do you like the taste of beer?
Wouldn't know!

Will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Seriously doubt it.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
No one's going to see this, LOL.

Is there someone who you instantly smile when you talk to them?
Kind of.

If you could only drink one thing for a month, what would it be?
Well, I want to say lemonade, because it's SOOOO GOOOD, but I'll go with water, because it's healthier and I drink it more anyways.

If you had a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go?
If I also had money, NEW YAWWK BABY ! Shopping. <3

Who is the last person that made you smile?
Ellen DeGeneres ! <3

Is there someone that you miss right now?
Yes. So much.

Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
Yuup. Most were lying.

Who was the last person you were parked next to?
I can't drive yet bro.

Who was the last person you talked about your problems to?
Jeez, I don't even know ! Could of been Molly, Lily, or maybe Sirah. Or maybe Bea.
LOL I can't remember !

Do you like someone?
Sigh. yes.
Dereck. And he likes Sirah.

Do you think that you're a good person?
I try.

Did you wake up happy today?
FUCK YEAH. SNOW DAY BIIITCH !

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
I still do, haha.

Have you ever slept in the bathroom with someone you liked?
LOL, what kind of question is that ? I've never slept in a bathroom ever. But I think I will now. haha. just to say I did.

Do you believe in kissing when you're not together yet?
Not really. I don't know.
Ask me after I've kissed someone/.

Have you kissed someone in 2011 that means a lot to you?
It's 2012 now bitch. and, VIRGIN LIPS, REMEMBER?

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Again, I try.

Do you have trust issues?
Honestly, who doesn't?

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?
I don't actually think I have. If I have, I don't remember.

Do you think "I love you" are strong words?
Yes. And they should be used wisely.

Do you think you can last in relationship for 6 months?
I don't see why not/.

Are you more comfortable with guys or girls? both?
depends who the person is. I'm just more comfortable around people who are as crazy as I am so I can be myself without being judged.

Do you wear eyeliner?
Everyday ? No. I used to wear a lot of make-up everyday but then I realized that, first of all, I don't need make-up to look pretty, and, second of all, if I keep wearing make-up everyday, when I'm older, my face will be so gross and dried out and wrinkly. I usually just put on a little bit of covergirl natureluxe foundation and some covergirl natureluxe lip gloss balm.

Would you rather be stuck in the pouring rain, or in a snowstorm?
If it was warm rain, rain. If it was cold rain, snowstorm.

When was the last time you were happy?
Half an hour ago when I was watching Ellen. <3

Is there anyone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
Haha, there's a few people.
Cody Simpson, Jaden Smith, Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Higa, Justin Bieber, pretty much all the guys from One Direction and The Wanted, I could go on for a while, ;p

Do you have unlimited texting?
YES. And I'd be fucking dead without it, sad, I know.

Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past 7 hours?
VIRGIN FUCKING LIPS. GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD.

Does anyone call you babe?
Dunno. If Omegle counts then yes, BAHAHAHAH.

Was last night enjoyable for you?
Just a normal night.I watched The Voice so yeah I guess.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Oh probably.

Is anything bothering you?
Yeah, some random shit.
Dereck asked Sirah to prom, she said yes, now she doesn't want to go with him because she realized she doesn't like him. SO, to re-cap, I like Dereck, Dereck likes Sirah, Sirah likes Kam, and I think Kam likes Sirah but I'm not really sure./
OH. and now she's trying to get him to like me so he'll forget about her and ask me because she doesn't want to tell him no now that she's already said yes.
WHAT A CRAZY LIFE.

Are you in a good mood right now?
Meh.

Is there someone who has made a difference in your life?
Yeah. Beck, I guess.

 Just a note to say that any names I've used in any of my blog posts are not real. The people are real and once I come up with an alias for that person, if I mention them again in one of my blog posts, it'll be under the same alias.
This does not include when I talk about Celebrities or Book Characters.

You Wanna Bet ?

Abstinence.

People don't understand why I chose to be abstinent, they also say I won't last.

Let's start with why I chose to be like this.

First and foremost, let me just say that, like any hormonal teenager I've wanted sex at one time or another. Come on, everybody has, it's not something we can control.

Anyways, I have the kind of parents who would kill me if I had sex before I got married, but that's not actually one of the reasons I'm abstinent. 

Sure, you can use condoms and birth control but there's still a chance you'll get pregnant or get an STD.

I'm used to lying to my parents, I'm perfectly comfortable lying to them about sex.

But if I got pregnant, or got an STD, it'd be kind of hard to lie about.

The other reason is simply an issue of lack of self-confidence. 

I don't mean to be cocky but, I KNOW I'm not ugly. That's not to say I'm gorgeous, because I'm not, but, I am decent looking.

But, that's with clothes on. When the clothes come off, I don't like the way my body looks. 

I also have really small boobs, which I'm fine with but, most guys like big boobs.

I would never be able to let a guy see me naked, I'm too afraid he'll be grossed out. 

I guess I feel like if a guy is willing to marry me without having sex first then he won't care about how my body looks.
Another reason is well, technically, I don't know if I want to be abstinent forever. I just don't want to have sex in high school. I want to focus on school and my friends and other stuff, not sex. I don't want to have to deal with any of that. I am not going to have sex in high school, but, I can't say the same about university, I guess we'll see.
Okay so, I know this reason sounds kind of stupid but, I'm tighter than money for people who lose their jobs during the recession.
Honestly, I can't even get a fucking tampon in there, and those things are small !
I know it's sad but, it's the truth. I'm scared that... well, if I try to have sex, what if I end up crying or something? Because I know dicks are bigger then tampons.

Now, let's move on to the 'I won't last'.

I won't last? Really? You wanna bet?

What does that even mean? If it means that I won't be able to live without the pleasures of sex, let me remind you that being a virgin, I've never experienced that before. I guess you could say I don't know what I'm missing. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly sex-crazed. I'm the kind of girl who's into romance. Sure, I may have a few kinky fantasies, but who doesn't? And it's not like I've told anyone my fantasies, they're just stored in the back of my head, I'm not stupid enough to tell people.

There's always the girls who say they'll be abstinent and then give in to the first hot guy that wants sex from them. 

I won't have that problem. The only guys after me are obsessed with Star Wars, not sex. 

Honestly though, I'm kind of the over-achiever, goody two-shoes, smart girl. Unless a guy wants to live out his naughty librarian fantasy, he won't go after me.

And even then, I'm not sexy, or hot, so guys who want sex, won't want it from me.

I don't exactly have to worry about not being able to reject guys, I won't have any guys to reject.

Unless I randomly get really hot (which won't happen) being abstinent will be a breeze.

It rattles me how people think I won't last.

Trust me guys, I have nothing to worry about.

Confessions

I truly believe there is something wrong with me. Everyone is getting a boyfriend or a prom date and I'm left alone to wonder why I can't be loved. I must be ugly. There must be something wrong with me. I just wish I knew what it was. Do I have a sign on my back that says "Don't love me" or something ?

Confessions

Whenever I'm feeling sad or lonely I read romance novels or fan fiction. It somehow makes me feel better to read about other people's love.

Confessions

I spent my whole life being afraid of my father. Being scared of him was always a little bit combined with being sad because I never got to have a good relationship with my Dad. Over the years those feelings have developed into anger. Anger that he treats me the way he does and there's nothing I can do about it. Yeah, I'm still somewhat scared of him, but the anger is much, much stronger.

Dear Whoever Cares

Okay so, instead of writing the history of my life from start to finish. I have decided to write little confessions about my life. Starting today, and I will keep going until I feel that I have let go of all the pain and hurt.

Say That You Love Me

No matter how many times I say that I don't want a boyfriend, it'll never be true.

My excuses are true, I am too busy for a relationship.

But that doesn't matter, I want lust, I want love, I want romance.

I want walks along the beach in the moonlight.

I want movie dates where we talk so much we get kicked out.

I want to hold hands in public so everyone can see we're together.

I want to hide my eyes on your chest while we watch scary movies.

I want your lips pressing against mine.

I want always and forever.

Maybe it's true that I'm not ready for that.

It doesn't matter, no one wants that with me.

It doesn't matter, there's no one ready and willing to give me that.

No boy would ever do any of that with me.

I don't for sure that no boy would ever want me like that, want me like I want you.

That's exactly why it doesn't matter. 

I'm never going to want anyone besides you. 

Believe me baby, I've tried.

I've liked other guys, other guys have liked me.

Hell, I even tried dating someone else.

He was so sweet, treated me so well, but he just wasn't you.

I'm never going to be happy with another boy.

I think I've known that for a while now, I'm just finally ready to admit it.

I'm that girl, in love with a boy who could never love her back.

Sure, it's easier to deal with your rejection when you live on the other side of the country, but that's only because you can't see the tears.

You didn't see me fall asleep crying the day you told me you didn't feel the same way.

You didn't see the cuts on my arm the day you told me you had a girlfriend.

You don't know how much it hurts when you tell me you love other girls, when you tell me about all the sweet things you've done with them.

I'm done trying to move on, because I never will.

It's been nearly 6 years since I realized I liked you.

I'll just have to be content with loneliness.

The worst part is, even if you did feel the same way, it could never work.

It's not even the fact that we'd have a long-distance relationship, you've done that before, and I could handle it because I'd do anything to be with you.

It's religion. That's why I don't believe in god.

If you ever felt the same way, you'd have to give up your religion to be with me, and I don't think you'd do that for me.

Why don't I think you'd do that ?

Simple. Because I'm willing do to anything for you except convert my religion to yours, because I don't believe in it. I'm not very religious but I just couldn't do something like that.

So there you have it, another love note that you'll never see. My unrequited love for you feels like it well never fade, but I can hope, and I can dream, that one fateful day I'll meet someone, someone who'll love me enough that they'll make see you're not worth it. But if that doesn't happen...

I will always love you, until the day I die, and probably even after that.

Goodbye Forever

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I did. I tried, and I tried and I tried. 

But I'm not getting anywhere.

I can't take any more failures, I just can't. 

I have to live in reality, not some fantasy world.

I'm never going to be a singer, I'm not good enough.

I've tried out for my last musical.

I wasn't Sharpay, Taylor, Gabriella, or even Kelsey in HSM.

I wasn't Grace, Annie, or even one of the other orphans in Annie.

I wasn't anywhere close to being Jasmine, or one of the narrators in Aladdin.

I didn't even make it through the first round of Karaoke Star Jr. or The Next Star.

The only time I ever place first in the music festival is when I'm the only one in my category. 

I still truly believe that I can write lyrics, no one can take that away from me.

But I guess now I just won't be the one singing my songs.

I've been contemplating whether or not to quit voice lessons.

This is my fifth year doing them.

I've decided now. Not only will I give up voice lessons, I'm giving up singing altogether.

I'll be in highschool next year and it'll give me more time to concentrate on my studies anyways. I'm not going to stop singing, I'm just going to stop trying to be a singer. No more TV contests, recitals, music festivals, voice lessons, being in musicals, and I won't take vocals next year in high-school like I planned to. No more singing in front of people. The only person who will hear me sing, is me.

Now that I know singing won't get me through life I have to realize I can't count on writing either.

I still want to be an author, but I need a back up plan.

I'm thinking I'll be an ELA Professor or Teacher, a Therapist, or a Lawyer.

Back on track, "if at first you don't succeed, try try again" is all well and good but, if trying again breaks your heart, soul, and spirit every time, then give up.

If I keep trying, one day I'll finally break, and I don't want that.

I'm not a quitter. So even though in this musical, Guys and Dolls, I didn't get Adelaide or Sarah, I should stick with it, I'll probably end up quitting though. I'll have to finish this year's voice lessons, they're already paid for. But come next year, I'm done.

Two other girls got Adelaide and Sarah. If there two girls in my school , population less than 400 who are better at singing then me (and there's probably other girls in my school who are better too) then imagine how many there are in the whole world. I don't want to know.

Yeah, I'm upset, but I'll get over it. I don't think I could get over another failure.

It's time to let this wild dream go, as much as I may want to hold onto it.

R.I.P. MY SINGING VOICE

you had more lovers than haters,

always remember that.

I'll miss you, take care.